These questions can follow the question: What is sex? If you have looked at that response, then the answers we offer below are based on the child understanding the answer to that earlier question. If the first questions relating to sex are these, then best to explain in an age-appropriate way what sex is first.
If asked by a younger child, these questions would be examples where you would want to find out more about why such a question is being asked. Interest in their question can be explored gently, so as not to make the child worried or feel they have done or said something wrong. You could start with comments like: Let’s talk about that for a minute…Can you tell me what you know about that already? Okay, could you tell me where you heard that?
3, 4 and 5-year-olds
A child this age is unlikely to ask these questions. However, if they do this basic answer is offered.
Sex is something that grown-ups (like mummy and daddy/mummy and mummy…) do when they love each other. It feels good for us.
With regard to the questions: What is ejaculation? What is an orgasm? If asked, these are likely to come from children overhearing conversations, or older children using words they also do not understand. In this case, after finding out where children heard the word and responding to that as you wish, a response of ‘This is something we will talk about when you are older’ should suffice.
6, 7 and 8-year-olds
A child this age may ask the first, rather than the next questions. So, to respond to that first question: Does sex feel good or bad?
Sex is something that grown-ups (like mummy and daddy/mummy and mummy…) do when they love each other. They cuddle and kiss and get close. Sex feels good for them.
If they ask the questions about ejaculation or orgasm, we can suggest a response. However, this would be an example of a question where you would want to find out more about why such a question is being asked: Where did the child hear the words? In what context? This exploration can be done gently so as not to make the child worried or feel they have done or said something wrong. If you are assured that responding to the question is appropriate, then this short answer may help.
Ejaculation and orgasm are the words grown-ups use to describe the nice feelings they get when they have sex.
9 and 10-year-olds
Sex is something that adults can do when they love and care for each other. Sometimes people talk about ‘making love’.
You must be 16 years or older to have sex. There are lots of ways a couple can have sex, as long as it is comfortable and nice for them both. Ejaculation and orgasm are the words grown-ups use to describe the nice feelings they get when they have sex.
There is more to support talking and learning together in the Talking About: How people have sex (9- and 10-year-olds).
11 and 12 year-olds
13, 14 and 15 year-olds
16, 17 and 18 year-olds
For the younger age group there is more to support talking and learning together in the Talking About: How people have sex (11- and 12-year-olds).
For 13- to 18-year-olds it is helpful for them to know what the law says about sex. This is covered in the Talking About: What sexual activity/having sex is (13 – 15-year-olds); What sexual activity/having sex is (16- to 18-year-olds) You might also want to explore the Talking About Consent – again, this is organised by the age of the child or young person.
Sex is something that adults can do when they love and care for each other. Sometimes people talk about ‘making love’. You must be 16 years or older to have sex. There are lots of ways a couple can have sex, as long as it is comfortable and nice for them both.
When a man feels like he wants to have sex with his partner his penis will get hard, this is called an erection. When a woman feels like she wants to have sex with her partner her vulva might feel tingly and wet or slippery to touch.
When people have sex, they might have an orgasm. For a woman an orgasm is a pleasurable feeling in her body. For a man, if he has an orgasm, he will have pleasurable feelings and a white liquid called semen will come out of his hard penis, it is called ejaculation