As you respond to your child’s question you can make this about the child – so you can use ‘you’ when you are answering the question from a boy. You can change this and make it about ‘boys’ if you are talking to a girl.
To get used to using the word penis you can use it from when your son is a baby. He won’t understand the word then, but you can use it as you chat. So, for example, when you are talking to him as you change his nappy you can be talking about what you are doing, and where you are cleaning him. Then as he gets older and understands more, and is learning words himself, you can use the word penis. For example, when he is in the bath or getting dried, or when you are talking to him about how he goes to the toilet, whether sitting down or learning to stand up.
Now, thinking about the questions, here are ways to respond. For 3- to 5-year-olds there is a simple explanation of what the child will see regarding the purpose of the penis – they urinate from there (use the words you would use, you might say pee or wee). By age 6 children will notice differences between boys and girls. This might happen earlier than that, you can use this suggested answer for younger children if it helps. Also, from around age 6, or younger if you want to, boys can learn that dads and other boys and men in the family have a penis just like them. Whatever your family composition you can adapt the answer in ways that let the child know that they are the same as the boys/men in their family. In this section of the Chat, you will see a response to other questions: Why does a boys penis get hard or bigger? and What is circumcision?
3, 4 and 5-year-olds
We offer this suggestion for the very young child with questions.
You have a penis. When you go to the toilet to urinate (pee/wee) it comes out of your penis.
6, 7 and 8-year-olds
Children will notice differences between girls and boys. You can talk about the vulva and penis if you want to. Remember that you can personalise your response by adding ‘just like me’ or ‘just like your big brother’, etc.
Boys have a penis. You have a penis. Dad has a penis. Your penis is a private part of your body. Girls have a vulva. Mum has a vulva. When a boy goes to the toilet to urinate (pee/wee) it comes out of his penis.
9 and 10-year-olds
Remember that you can personalise your response by adding ‘just like me’ or ‘just like your big brother’ etc. At this age we can also introduce the idea that every penis is different, this is early learning that will help if a boy has worries later that his penis might not look like that of other boys.
Boys and men have a penis. You have a penis. Dad has a penis. Girls have a vulva. Mum has a vulva.
Your penis is a private part of your body.
When a boy urinates (pees), it comes down a tube called the urethra that goes to the end of his penis where it comes out.
Every penis is different, just like if you were to compare every other part of your body with another boy. Boys also have a sack of skin that hangs under the penis. This is called the scrotum. Inside there are the testicles. When a boy goes through puberty his penis will grow. It can get hard; this is called an erection.
11 and 12 year-olds
13, 14 and 15 year-olds
16, 17 and 18 year-olds
We offer this suggestion, with more detail, for the pre-teen and teenage child.
Boys and men have a penis. Girls and women have a vulva.
Every penis is different, just like if you were to compare every other part of your body with another boy. Boys also have a sack of skin that hangs under the penis. This is called the scrotum. Inside there are the testicles. You will also grow hair around your genitals/private parts, this is normal. This is called pubic hair.
When a boy urinates (pees), it comes down a tube called the urethra that goes to the end of his penis where it comes out. When a boy goes through puberty his penis will grow. It can get hard; this is called an erection.
In addition, as boys grow older, you can also consider acknowledging that there can be feelings/sensations when a boy touches his penis. You can mention this to emphasis privacy, but also to make sure that there is no sense of shame in these experiences.
A boy can touch his private parts because they like the way it feels, that’s okay. This is something a person should only do on their own, at home in a private place which is their bedroom.
In this section of the Chat you will see some ideas about how to answer the question: Why does a boy’s penis get hard or bigger? If you want to talk more about the bodies of both girls and boys there is more (organised by age) in the Talking About section.
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