This might be a question that many parents will find quite difficult to answer, it is okay to be somewhat surprised or shocked by such a question. However, like any other question we can do our best to answer.
If a child or young person asks this question, there are suggestions here for your response. This would be an example of a question where you would want to find out more about why such a question is being asked. This might be a personal experience or worry, or a worry for a friend. And of course, it can just be a straightforward request for good information. Interest in their question can be explored gently, so as not to make the child worried or feel they have done or said something wrong. You could start with comments like: Let’s talk about that for a minute… Can you tell me what you know about that already? Okay, could you tell me where you heard that?
If you are concerned that another child or adult has asked your child or another child to participate in any sexual contact, you should seek advice from a professional person you trust. You can call ParentLine for free: 08000 28 22 23 or go here for a link to the webchat and email facility: How Children 1st Parentline Can Support You | Children 1st
3, 4 and 5-year-olds
A child this age is unlikely to ask this question.
6, 7 and 8-year-olds
A child this age is unlikely to ask this question, but they might hear conversations and be curious about the word. It is troubling to think of this, but a child might be shown images by an older child or adult, or they might hear sexualised language, and so we can protect our children by responding to the question if it is asked. As indicated above, this would always be a question to explore in more detail. Let’s talk about that for a minute… Can you tell me what you know about that already? Okay, could you tell me where you heard that?
Sex is something that grown-ups (like mummy and daddy/mummy and mummy…) do when they love each other. They cuddle and kiss and get close. A sex toy is something for adults and we can talk more about that when you are grown up. If anyone shows you something about sex, or talks to you about sex things, or maybe you see something online by accident, then come speak to me. I will always listen, and we can chat.
9 and 10-year-olds
As with the younger child, if asked, this is a question you would always want to explore further with your child. Let’s talk about that for a minute… Can you tell me what you know about that already? Okay, could you tell me where you heard that? Then, if you feel it is appropriate to respond this may support that chat.
Sex is something that adults can do when they love and care for each other.
When adults have sex, they can do things that they both like. A sex toy is something for adults when they have sex.
If anyone shows you something about sex, or talks to you about sex things, or maybe you see something online by accident, you can come speak to me. I will always listen, and we can chat.
11 and 12 year-olds
If asked, this is a question you would always want to explore further with your child. Let’s talk about that for a minute… Can you tell me what you know about that already? Okay, could you tell me where you heard that? Then, if you feel it is appropriate to respond this may support that chat.
Sex is something that adults can do when they love and care for each other.
When adults have sex, they can do things that they both like. A sex toy is something for adults when they have sex. It’s like something they can rub on their body or touch their private parts with it.
If anyone shows you something about sex, or talks to you about sex things, or maybe you see something online by accident, you can come speak to me. I will always listen, and we can chat.
13, 14 and 15 year-olds
16, 17 and 18 year-olds
The response below is intended to support your response to the question being asked by a teenager. However, if you feel it is helpful, you can still ask the questions posed earlier. Let’s talk about that for a minute… Can you tell me what you know about that already? Okay, could you tell me where you heard that? The response suggested here also touches on consent, a topic in the Talking About section where you will find more about supporting ongoing conversations with your teenager.
Sex is something that people do to express feelings and love. When people have sex, they can say what they like to do. Everything a person does when they have sex should be with their consent and the consent of the other person. People might want to use a sex toy to increase their enjoyment of sex. A sex toy is something like a vibrator or dildo. People use a sex toy on their body or genitals, they might put a sex toy inside their vagina or anus. As I said this must always be the choice of the person involved. Using sex toys can transmit sexually transmitted infections, so they need to be cleaned before they are shared.