Consent is something we all want our children to understand. This can start when they are very young and will continue through to the teenage years. We provide a short answer to the question here, but to support you to have conversations throughout childhood you can find more in the Talking About section for every age group.
3, 4 and 5-year-olds
A child this age is unlikely to ask this question. But we can help them build skills and understanding as we play and talk together. Go to the Talking About: Making choices, saying ‘yes’, saying ‘no’ (3-, 4- and 5-year-olds) for more about how we can help our children understand ‘yes’ and ‘no’, make choices and respect the choices of others.
6, 7 and 8-year-olds
In this answer we use an example of asking for consent. Children like ‘examples’ of how things work. You could make it a different example, depending on what your child likes to do. In the Talking about Consent resource there are more examples of what consent is to support further discussion and learning.
Consent means asking someone if you can do something or if they want something. For example, you might say: Would you like to play football with me? If they say yes, they give consent. If they say no, they do not give consent. If they say I’m not sure they do not give consent.
Your child might be ready to understand the following, further explanation:
Apart from what someone says with words, someone might say yes or no or not sure with their face or their body. This is called body language, and we need to pay attention to that too.
9 and 10-year-olds
11 and 12 year-olds
In the Talking about Consent (9-10year-olds) and Talking about Consent (11-12 year-olds) resources there are examples of what consent is to support further discussion and learning, but in terms of the question – what is consent? – we can say:
Consent means asking someone if you can do something or if they want something.
If they say yes, they give consent. If they say no, they do not give consent. If they aren’t sure or aren’t clear, they do not give consent.
Apart from what someone says with words, someone might say yes or no or not sure with their face or their body. This is called body language, and we need to pay attention to that too. If they give consent once, you still must ask the next time.
13, 14 and 15 year-olds
16, 17 and 18 year-olds
Consent means asking someone if you can do something or if they want something.
If they say yes, they give consent. If they say no, they do not give consent.
If they aren’t sure or aren’t clear, they do not give consent.
Apart from what someone says with words, someone might say yes or no or not sure with their face or their body. This is called body language, and we need to pay attention to that too. If they give consent once, you still must ask the next time.
Young people of this age also need to understand what consent means when it comes to sex. As a family you can talk about what you expect from your teenage child when it comes to decisions about sex. The age of consent for sexual activity in Scotland is 16.
Understanding sexual consent does not mean you approve of your child having sex either before 16 or even after 16. It just means the young person understands what consent means. Then, they are ready then to look after themselves, seek out help when they need it, and make good decisions. So, to extend your answer to the question what is sexual consent?
Sexual consent means that sexual experiences are agreed, respectful and enjoyable. When there is consent both people feel safe and happy to have sex.
You need consent every time you are doing something sexual, the first time and every time. If you are not sure, you do not have consent.
When a person gives consent to sex it must be freely given, not because they have been pestered or made to feel they have to.
You never have to do anything sexual when you don’t want to. If you have said ‘yes’ to something sexual before, you can change your mind the next time.
You must not put pressure on someone to do something sexual. If the other person changes their mind, you must stop. A person is not able to give their consent if they are incapable because of alcohol or drugs or because they are asleep or unconscious. Any sexual activity in these circumstances is sexual assault or rape.
To support further chats about these issues, go to the Talking About: 13-, 14- and 15-year-olds and 16-, 17- and 18-year-olds and look at Consent and the Law.
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