What is masturbation?

This can be a question that parents find quite difficult to answer. It is okay to feel embarrassed or a bit surprised by such a question. However, like any other question we can do our best to answer. How you respond to this question will be influenced by your own beliefs and your experiences of growing up. The answers we suggest here are based on the idea that we should answer straightforwardly, with facts, and try not to embarrass or shame a child or young person for asking.

Another thing might be that a child might hear a more colloquial/slang term for masturbation. If they ask a question using another word, they won’t mean to be rude or embarrass you. You can start your answer with telling them that the word you will use is masturbation, that the other word is a word some people think is rude.

As with any question, it is important to take a moment to think about why your child is asking. We want to make sure they are safe. You could start with comments like: Let’s talk about that for a minute… Can you tell me what you know about that already? Okay, could you tell me where you heard that?

If you are concerned that another child or adult has asked your child or another child to participate in any sexual contact, you should seek advice from a professional person you trust. You can call ParentLine for free: 08000 28 22 23 or go here for a link to the webchat and email facility: How Children 1st Parentline Can Support You | Children 1st

3, 4 and 5-year-olds

A child this unlikely to ask this question. Of course, children will explore parts of their body when they are naked or in the bath. This is normal and is not sexual, it is simply them being interested in their body, it can be self-soothing, and they might feel nice if or when they touch their vulva or penis. You might be relaxed about this if it happens in the bath, or if they are naked and getting dressed. Of course, you might want to divert them from doing this if it is more than a passing moment, or if it is in a place where there are other people. To divert them, you could ask a question, suggest playing something, draw their attention to something else – you can do this without mentioning what they are doing, or embarrassing them or making them feel ashamed.

6, 7 and 8-year-olds

As with younger children it is unlikely that a child this age would ask such a question. if they were to ask, this would be where a conversation would be important, to find out where they had heard this word.

But as with wee ones, they might touch their genitals/private parts because it feels nice, it is self-soothing or feels comforting. Even at this age little boys can get erections, this is a natural thing, and it will pass. Again though, it is important we don’t think of this in a sexual way. As with younger children you could divert them from touching themselves - you could ask a question, suggest playing something, draw their attention to something else. But because they are a bit older, if they do touch themselves at a time or a place where you don’t want them to do so, you might also say something:

A boy or girl can touch their private parts, that’s okay, but it is only something they should do when they are at home in a private place, on their own. So, you should only do this at home in your private place which is your bedroom.

9 and 10-year-olds

For some children the onset of puberty can begin at this age. As with younger children they can find touching their genitals/private parts can be soothing and enjoyable. With this in mind we don’t need to think of this as a sexual activity as yet, and we should make it clear that this is something to do in private. At this age a child may hear the word masturbation (or a colloquial/slang word) and ask what it is. As with younger children you will want to have a conversation about where they heard the word. You could answer the question in this way.

Masturbation is when a person touches their private parts – their penis or their vulva – because they like the way it feels. A boy or girl can touch their own private parts, that’s okay. This is something a person should only do on their own, at home in a private place which is their bedroom. You should wash your hands before and after. No-one else should ever touch your private parts. Your private parts are private.

11 and 12 year-olds

For some children the onset of puberty can begin at this age. If an 11- or 12-year-old asks this question this answer may be enough for your child. If your child is masturbating, and asking because they are, or perhaps you are aware that they are doing so, you may want to consider using the response we give for 13-year-olds.

Masturbation is when a person touches their private parts – their penis or their vulva – because they like the way it feels. A boy or girl can touch their own private parts, that’s okay.

This is something a person should only do on their own, at home in a private place which is their bedroom. We can talk more about how we respect each other’s privacy, like by knocking on your bedroom door before we come in. You should wash your hands before and after. No-one else should ever touch your private parts. Your private parts are private.

There is more to support your conversations at home in Talking About Masturbation and Wet Dreams (11- and 12-year-olds).

13, 14 and 15 year-olds

Sometimes a boy’s penis or a girl’s clitoris (which is a sensitive body part that provides pleasure when touched) gets hard and feels tingly. It can feel good to touch your penis or clitoris.

This is called masturbation.

When someone masturbates, they might have an orgasm. An orgasm is the good feeling that spreads over the whole body. It’s called sexual pleasure. Men usually ejaculate when they orgasm (semen comes out of the penis).

This will answer the question, but you might want to talk a bit more about masturbation. If you want to be clear about privacy and about reassuring your child that masturbation is okay, please take a look at Talking About Masturbation and Wet Dreams (13-, 14- and 15-year-olds). These extra points to talk about, or reassure you teenage child, might be helpful.

It’s important to remember these things about masturbation.

Masturbation is normal and okay. Boys, girls, men, and women do it.

Masturbation is something you must do in private. A good place could be your own bedroom with the curtains and the door closed. We can talk more about how we respect each other’s privacy, like by knocking on your bedroom door before we come in.

If you masturbate, you get to know your own body and what you like. Masturbation is a good way to reduce stress, relax the muscles, and can often help improve sleep, mood, and self-confidence.

Most people don’t talk about masturbation because it is private. But if you have a question or a worry you should speak to me or a trusted adult.

16, 17 and 18 year-olds

If there is a need to talk with your 16-, 17- or 18-year-old about masturbation you can use the information provided for 13-, 14- and 15-year-olds. One important aspect for teenagers to understand is that masturbation with another person is legally considered a sexual act. This means that, like any sexual act, the people involved must have given full consent. There are other parts of this resource for parents that help you to talk about consent with your teenage child.