This might be a question that many parents will find quite difficult to answer, especially if asked by a younger child. It is okay to feel embarrassed or a bit surprised by such a question.
If asked by a younger child, this would be an example of a question where you would want to find out more about why such a question is being asked: Where did the child or young person hear the word? In what context? Interest in their question can be explored gently, so as not to make the child worried or feel they have done or said something wrong. You could start with comments like: Let’s talk about that for a minute… Can you tell me what you know about that already? Okay, could you tell me where you heard that?
Like any other question we can do our best to answer. The answers we suggest here are based on the idea that we should answer straightforwardly, with facts, and try not to embarrass or shame a child or young person for asking.
You will notice that answering this question also gives you some opportunity to talk about sex in the context of loving relationships, that sex is something adults do, and that it must be consensual – not necessarily using this language for younger children but just laying the ground for other and later chats about relationships and sex.
When it comes to older young people, they need to understand what the law says about sex. There is basic information here, about the law and consent. You can find more in the Talking About sections of the Chat on these topics, organised by the age of your child.
3, 4 and 5-year-olds
A child this age is unlikely to ask this question, but it may arise if a child hears the word used by others. We offer this short response.
Sex is something that grown-ups (like mummy and daddy/mummy and mummy…) do when they love each other.
6, 7 and 8-year-olds
Sex is something that grown-ups (like mummy and daddy/mummy and mummy…) do when they love each other. They cuddle and kiss and get close. If a woman and a man want to make a baby, they have sex.
9 and 10-year-olds
Sex is something that adults can do when they love and care for each other. Sometimes people talk about ‘making love’. You must be 16 years or older to have sex.
When a couple want to have sex, they will go to a private place like their bedroom. They will take their clothes off, they will kiss and cuddle. They will touch the private parts of each other’s bodies. There are lots of ways a couple can have sex, as long as it is comfortable and nice for them both.
11 and 12 year-olds
Sex is something that adults can do when they love, care for, respect and are attracted to each other. Sometimes people talk about ‘making love’.
You must be 16 years or older to have sex.
When a couple want to have sex, they will go to a private place like their bedroom. They will kiss and cuddle and touch each other’s bodies. They will touch the private parts of each other’s bodies. There are lots of ways a couple can have sex, as long as it is comfortable and nice for them both. Some people have sex to feel closer to each other, to show each other love, or because it feels nice.
When a man feels like he wants to have sex with his partner his penis will get hard, this is called an erection.
When a woman feels like she wants to have sex with her partner her vulva might feel tingly and wet or slippery to touch.
If a man and a woman are having sex, and they both want to do it, the man can put his penis inside the woman’s vagina and gently move his penis in and out. This should feel nice for both people.
When people have sex, they might have an orgasm. For a woman an orgasm is a pleasurable feeling in her body. For a man, if he has an orgasm (called ejaculation) a white liquid called semen will come out of his hard penis, this is a pleasurable feeling for the man.
There is more to support talking and learning together in the Talking About: How people have sex (11- and 12-year-olds).
13, 14 and 15 year-olds
16, 17 and 18 year-olds
You can use the earlier text to respond to this question from a teenager. You might also then add something more about what the law says when it comes to sex and sexual activity. This is quite complicated, but worth returning to over several chats.
The law uses different words when talking about sex. What the law says applies to all young people – whatever their sex or sexuality. It says sex is penetrative oral, vaginal and anal intercourse. This means when a someone puts their penis or something like a sex toy in another person’s mouth, vagina or anus (bottom). Then the law talks about sexual activity, this means penetrative sex as I’ve mentioned and also kissing or sexual touching, this could include when they masturbate together. If someone asks another person to do anything sexual online, then this is also considered as sexual activity.
When we think about sex and sexual activity, we really need to understand what the law says about the age of consent and about consent. So:
If one of the people is 13, 14 or 15 and the other person is 16 or older, the older person is breaking the law because the age of consent for sex and sexual activity is 16. Both people must be 16 or older.
If both people are 13, 14 or 15 they are both breaking the law.
Someone under 13 cannot consent to sex or sexual activity. If a person is under 13 then any sex or sexual activity is against the law, the person who is over 13 would be breaking the law, it would be rape. If both were under 13 both would be breaking the law.
And remember that any time a person does anything sexual both people must give their consent, this means give their agreement. And you need to be sure that the person does agree, if they hesitate or are unsure or can’t say because they are asleep or have been drinking, then it’s not consent.
You might also want to have a chat about condoms and risks of pregnancy.
If people have sex without using condoms, there is a risk of Sexually Transmitted Infections being passed on.
If a woman and man have sex, and the man puts his penis inside the woman, then there is a risk of pregnancy. So, it’s important to make a plan about contraception or condoms.
Can you get help, information or contraception before you are 16?
Young people can be confused by the finding that the law says it is breaking the law to have sex before you are 16, but that they can still get information, support and services like contraception if they need them. You will want to be your child’s go-to trusted person, but you can also give them this advice, which they can also share with friends if they need it.
13-, 14- or 15-year-olds who are having sex, or thinking about having sex, might be worried about the law. But sexual health clinics see young people aged 13 and over. It is confidential. They will encourage you to talk with your parent or other adults you trust, but they are not allowed to tell your parent or carer. Confidential means keeping your stuff private. If you speak to a nurse or doctor at a clinic, they will keep your information private. They will check that you are safe. They will not share information about you unless someone is harming you or you are in danger.
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