This question might be asked when a child has had a one-off experience, a bad interaction with another child or young person, or it could be an introduction to the much broader matter of bullying. It probably doesn’t help to think of every bad behaviour directed at a child as bullying, but a threshold can be met where you might need to name it as such – and seek good support from your child’s school, another trusted professional or from someone in your own community.
If your child says something that you feel is discriminatory, or sounds like prejudice, take a moment and explore what they have said and where they might have heard such a thing. To get into the conversation, be gentle rather than scolding. You could start with comments like: What made you notice that? Let’s talk about that for a minute…
When you hear that it is your child who has been mean, or who is bullying another child this can be upsetting. The words we use here will help but again, talk to your child, and find out what is going on for them whilst also building understanding and empathy for the child they are being mean to.
You might also find the answers to the question: Why am I different from her/Why is he different from me? of help. There is more to support your conversations at home in the Talking About section – look in the section that matches the age of your child and find topics about friendships, learning about similarities and differences, fairness and kindness and identifying adults to go to with worries.
3, 4 and 5-year-olds
You can use this short answer, or for a 5-year-old you might use/adapt the answer for 6-year-olds
People can be mean. Sometimes the person being mean picks on something about the other person. Or maybe they say mean things like you can’t play with me. If someone is mean to you, you can come speak to me about it, and we will try to understand what has happened.
6, 7 and 8-year-olds
For children this age we suggest this response. We suggest chatting about how your child can respond.
People can be mean for a whole bunch of reasons. Sometimes the person being mean picks on something that is different about another person. Maybe the person being mean doesn’t feel confident in themselves. Maybe they are worried or scared and think that being mean to others covers that up. Sometimes, we just don’t understand why someone is mean.
You have some choices about what to do if someone is mean to you. You could ignore it, just walk away. You could decide it’s not worth bothering with. But if it’s upsetting, or if it happens more than once, then maybe that won’t be enough. You can come to me. Tell me what’s happening. We can talk and decide what to do next. You must never feel upset or frightened at school (at the club/in the street) so always come talk to me.
9 and 10-year-olds
11 and 12 year-olds
For children this age this response is suggested.
People can be mean for a whole bunch of reasons. They might lack confidence in themselves or feel insecure and think that being mean to others covers that up. They might have prejudice towards girls, or people of colour, or gay or lesbian people or disabled people.
Sometimes someone can be mean when they are unwell, they might be really stressed, or maybe they don’t understand what they are doing or aren’t in control of what they are doing. Sometimes, we just don’t understand why someone is mean.
You have some choices about what to do if someone is mean to you. You could ignore it, just walk away. You could decide it’s not worth bothering with. But if it’s upsetting, and if it happens more than once, then maybe that won’t be enough. You can come to me. Tell me what’s happening. We can talk and decide what to do next. It might mean we need to tell someone we trust at school. But we can decide that together. Just remember, no one has the right to make you feel embarrassed or worried or frightened.
13, 14 and 15 year-olds
16, 17 and 18 year-olds
For teenagers we offer this response.
People can be mean for a whole bunch of reasons. They might lack confidence in themselves or feel insecure and think that being mean to others covers that up. They might have negative views about other people, so like have prejudice towards women, or people of colour, or gay or lesbian people or disabled people. Sometimes someone can be mean when they are unwell, they might be really stressed, or maybe they don’t understand what they are doing or aren’t in control of what they are doing. Sometimes, we just don’t understand why someone is mean.
You have some choices about what to do if someone is mean to you. You could ignore it, just walk away. You could decide not to take it personally. You could see them as ignorant, not worth bothering with. But what’s important is that if this goes on, if you feel targeted or worried at any stage, come speak to me. If you see them being mean to other people for the same or different reasons, then you need to consider finding help that will be of benefit to others too. You could report what’s going on to a person you trust at school/college/at work. I could help with that. No one has the right to make you feel like you can’t be somewhere, or you can’t just be you. Find someone to talk to.
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