The answers below are written to support a conversation with your son. Of course, girls can ask this question too – you can adapt what is here to give girls information.
This might be a question that many parents will find quite difficult to answer, it is okay to feel embarrassed or a bit surprised by such a question. However, like any other question we can do our best to answer. The answers we suggest here are based on the idea that we should answer straightforwardly, with facts, and try not to embarrass or shame a child or young person for asking.
Another thing might be that a child might hear a more colloquial/slang term for the word we use: erection. If they ask a question using another word, they won’t mean to be rude or embarrass you. You can start your answer with telling them the word you will use, as the other word is a word some people think is rude.
When you are chatting, your child might ask more questions. You can look at our response to questions: What is a penis/Why do boys have a penis? What is puberty? What are hormones? What is masturbation? What is a wet dream? You can also go to our Talking About section and find more about talking and learning together about puberty and lots more, depending on your child’s age.
A final note about your child’s safety. As with any question, it is important to take a moment to think about why your child is asking. We want to make sure they are safe. They might ask about their penis, and you can use the suggestions here to have the chat. But if they ask a similar question about another boy or man, then this would be one of those questions that you would want to find out more about why the question is being asked. You might say: Oh, that’s an interesting question, have you seen something that makes you ask?
3, 4 and 5-year-olds
A child this age may notice that they have an erection. As adults we need to remember that this happens to wee boys, it is not sexual, it is just a natural thing that happens occasionally. If your child asks Why is my penis sticking out? or something like that, you can reply as follows (and then divert attention with a question about something else, or a suggestion to do or play something together).
Sometimes a boy’s penis sticks out, that’s okay. It will go back to normal again soon.
6, 7 and 8-year-olds
We start the reply here with the same idea as that for younger children, these things happen naturally, and a short answer followed by diverting the child’s attention might be all you need to do.
Well sometimes a boy’s penis sticks out, that’s okay. It will go back to normal again soon.
However, the question might continue: Yes, but why? Also, children might hear words being used by older children, they might hear bits of chat or jokes and might ask what this is – maybe using a slang word or a word you consider rude. If extra explanation is required, this might help.
When a boys penis grows and sticks out this is called an erection. This happens to all boys and if you wait a moment, it will go away. This is a private thing. You should not speak to other people about erections. If anyone speaks to you about erections, please come and tell me, okay?
As with other questions we have discussed you may want to have a further chat to find out more about where your child has heard conversations, or the words used.
9 and 10-year-olds
11 and 12 year-olds
When you go to the toilet you know that urine (pee) comes out of your penis. Normally a boy’s penis is soft and hangs down. Well sometimes a boy’s penis sticks out, that’s okay. It will go back to normal again soon. When your penis gets bigger and sticks out it is called an erection – you might know other words for it, but we’ll call it an erection. This is part of growing up. It is one of the things that happens with puberty.
You can have an erection when you wake up in the morning.
It can happen when you don’t expect it. The best way to make it go away is to think of something totally random.
13, 14 and 15 year-olds
16, 17 and 18 year-olds
When your penis gets bigger and sticks out it is called an erection – you might know other words for it, but we’ll call it an erection. This is part of growing up. It is one of the things that happens with puberty.
Here’s what’s happening: throughout your body you have a blood flow, when you get an erection the blood flow to your penis increases, at the same time the muscles at the base tighten a bit, so the blood that has gone in keeps your penis hard.
Your penis is designed to be erect for when you have sex, and also when you want to masturbate.
You can have an erection when you wake up in the morning.
It can happen when you don’t expect it. Unwanted erections can be embarrassing and uncomfortable. But they happen. The best way to make it go away is to think of something totally random. Erections are perfectly normal and show that everything is in working order.
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