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Talking about emotions and feelings

We often use the words emotions and feelings to mean the same thing, but as parents it’s helpful to think about that, especially because we want our child to be able to manage the emotional reaction to something and then the feelings they have as they process those emotions.

Our emotions are the subconscious reactions we have to something, then our feelings are the way we process or handle those emotions. As they grow, we want children to be able to recognise their emotions and think about the feelings that follow (making them understandable and manageable).

When they are little, the child’s emotions can be overwhelming, and we can begin to help them learn skills and language to communicate their feelings. They will express how they are feeling through their behaviour. We can support early learning about how to recognise when they are sad or upset or unsure of something – and that this is the time to seek out an adult they feel safe with, someone they trust. Of course, children learn as they go, learning through play, conversation, watching others and books and songs.

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Using words – you can talk about emotions and feelings

You can introduce words to your child’s vocabulary. You can ask your child if they are feeling something or say out loud what you see in their emotional responses, share how you are feeling too. You can talk about what you see around you, maybe how other children are feeling. Remember that talking about our emotions is good for our mental health, and children have mental health too! Look for opportunities to introduce these emotions and feelings.

When we talk, we help our child to learn that we all have emotions, that we all feel things, and these things change. We feel these things privately at first, and we can share them if we want to.

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Managing emotions

Understanding and managing emotions is called emotional regulation, this is the kind of language a teacher or professional person might use. If your child has big strong emotional responses to certain situations that you feel are out of proportion, you can keep an eye on things and step in before something happens. If they become overly emotional you could ask them to breathe with you, count to 10, hold on to you. You could practice these responses when everything is calm. It is helpful if you work with your child’s nursery or schoolteacher to make sure you are both on the same page and using the same strategies to support your child.

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Books

Stories and books are a great way to talk and learn about emotions and feelings. You might like to read these books together. Your library or nursery might have them, or you can ask a library if they will order a book for you.

A book that encourages children to explore and reflect upon a whole range of feelings.

‘You’d be surprised how many ways I change on different coloured days’. Dr Seuss takes the reader on a journey through many different moods.

Illustrations and text explore various ‘tough guys’ showing emotion.

This book examines feelings of anger. Contains notes for parents and teachers with suggestions of ways to help children deal with emotions.

This book examines feeling frightened. Contains notes for parents and teachers with suggestions of ways to help children deal with emotions.

This book examines feeling sad. Contains notes for parents and teachers with suggestions of ways to help children deal with emotions.

This storybook is written to help children who have lived with violence at home to begin to explore and name their feelings. Accompanied by notes for adults on how to use each page of the story to start conversations, it also features games and activities to help to understand and express difficult emotions.

This storybook shows children easy ways for them to calm their body and brain when feeling anxious. It also includes guidance for parents or professionals on the neuroscience behind the strategies, and how they can use the book to help children.