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Talking about personal space and privacy

At this age we can help our children to learn about what private means and when privacy is necessary. They can also learn about what is appropriate when it comes to how close we get to another person and about touch.

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Get closer, close enough, too close

When you are with your child, talking, playing, reading, you can talk about when you or they need to get closer, are close enough or are too close. Some examples could be when you want to read together: “Would you like to come a wee bit closer, and we can both see the pictures? If you come closer, you can see what I’m pointing at…” Of course, you can respect their choice to get closer or not. Maybe you are doing something together and they are just at the right distance. For example, you are cutting up some fruit together and they want to help: “Great thanks for your help, stand here, ok that’s close enough because you need some space to chop…” And there could be an occasion where they are too close. You are putting on make-up, or writing something: “Okay that’s a bit close just give me a wee bit more space so that I can…”

In terms of personal space, you can also observe them with other children. You might see another child getting too close and them feeling uncomfortable. Or maybe your child is a bit too close to another child, you can see their discomfort or annoyance. You can step in gently and offer: “Maybe you two are a bit too close…. Would you like a bit more space between you two? Sam, maybe if you budge up a wee bit then you and Michael will be a bit more comfortable…”

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The bubble

A good way to explain to a child about personal space is to imagine that they have a bubble around them. Their bubble can be as little or as big as they like. Their bubble is the space they want between other people. It doesn’t stop them getting or giving hugs or getting close when they want to, but if they feel someone is in their bubble space, or maybe they notice another child looking uncomfortable, or the other child steps back, they might think, oh maybe I am in their bubble space. Of course, our bubble can grow and shrink depending on where we are or how we feel.

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Feeling uncomfortable

We want our children to understand those feelings they have that say ‘uh-oh’. Take a look at the topic My body belongs to me (bodily autonomy) for some guidance on this.

Going to the toilet

Going to the toilet at home is a time to learn about privacy. Some children need more help than others. You can use the words private. You can explain why they should not go into the bathroom when an older sibling or visitor is in the toilet. You will want to begin to establish some privacy for your self too.

When your child uses a bathroom in a public place you should always accompany them. You can explain about closing cubicle doors, pulling up pants before leaving the cubicle.

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Other related topics

For more on talking together about privacy and private parts take a look at Parts of My Body are Private in this section of Talking Together for 3- 5s.

We can also talk about related things when we talk and learn about bodily autonomy. Take a look at My body belongs to me (bodily autonomy) in this section of Talking Together for 3- 5s.

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Books

You might like to read these books together. Your library or nursery might have them, or you can ask a library if they will order a book for you.

Harrison P. Spader sat a little too close. Shook hands a little too long. High-fived a little too hard. And hugged a little too much. Harrison P. Spader was a personal space invader. But that all changes when he learns more.

A children’s picture book about a girl who has a very strong and clear voice in all issues, especially those relating to her body and personal boundaries. Teaching personal boundaries, consent.

On his 6th birthday, Miles’ excitement is dimmed when he finds himself being pinched, hugged too tight, picked up and tickled by his well-intentioned family and decides he’s had enough. When Miles decrees that he is the “Boss of his body,” his whole family expresses support and respect for his personal boundaries.

A book about personal space represented by a bubble. Inside that bubble is more bubbles, all of them representing a different layer – but all these bubbles are invisible to the eye, so we need to learn how to protect our own bubbles and respect others.