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Talking about being a friend

At this age children learn how to make and keep friendships. They learn more about how to consider a friend’s feelings. They can continue to develop an understanding that kindness and empathy are part of friendships. They also experience fallouts, and these can be upsetting.

As parents we want our child to build resilience so that they can manage the ups and downs of friendships. At the same time, we want them to come to us when something about friendships, or another child’s behaviour, is upsetting or worrying them. Being able to come to you to talk about friends is something that will be important to them.

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Helping your child learn skills and behaviours for friendships

Before we get going on talking about friends and friendships have a think about the kinds of skills or behaviours that will come in handy for your child as they make friends. How could you help their development in your child? Think about how to help your child to learn and practice things like taking turns, cooperation and sharing, being patient, being encouraging, giving and receiving compliments, or including other children in their games. All the skills or behaviours you think are important for them can be learned by watching and listening to you, through practice (which sometimes means learning from mistakes) and with encouragement.

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Chatting about friendship

Talking about friendships can be done quite informally, as you chat about how your child’s day has gone, or what they did at a party, at a club, or at the park. When you take your child somewhere, or pick them up, take a moment to observe who they are with and what they are up to – this can give you a way into the conversation about who they were playing with. Sometimes, if there has been a fallout, or your child is upset by the behaviour of someone they consider a friend, then you might need to have a sit down, or a dog walk, or a cuddle (and a chat). Here are some ideas about how you can talk about friends and friendships.

You can bring in childhood experiences, or other family stories:

When I was wee… When your big sister was wee…

You can ask:

Who are you friends with just now? What do you do together? Why do you think you and (name) are friends?

If you want to, you could offer a definition of what you think a friend is – ask them if they agree?

I’d say a friend is someone you like to be with and do things together. They make you feel happy, and you can rely on them. Do you think that’s right?

You can talk about feelings associated with friendship.

How does having a friend make you feel? What makes someone a friend? Do you think children need friends?

You can talk about when friends fall out, thinking about how these things happen and how people feel about it.

You know friends do fall out sometimes. Do people fall out in your class/friendship group? What kinds of things do they fall out about? Does it get sorted? What would help? Anything you can do to help?

As adults we should be careful not to insist that every child must be friendly with every other child. You can remind your child that they don’t have to be someone’s friend – but we can always treat others with respect.

This short film sees 4- to 7-year-olds talking about being a friend: What is a good friend? https://youtu.be/ReMq3KX8F94 (duration 2 minutes) and can be used to spark a conversation.

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If you are worried

If you are at all worried about your child when it comes to friendships, have a chat with their teacher or an adult in any clubs or groups they go to, and find out how they are doing when it comes to getting along with others.

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Books

You might like to read these books together. Your school or library might have them, or you can ask the library if they will order a book for you.

While using a simple metaphor of a bucket and a dipper, author Carol McCloud illustrates that when we choose to be kind, we not only fill the buckets of those around us but also fill our own bucket. Conversely, when we choose to say or do mean things, we are dipping into buckets. All day long, we are either filling up or dipping into each other’s buckets by what we say and what we do.

Charlotte’s Web is a story about the power of friendship and celebrating what makes everyone special.

Adam feels alone in his strange, new city. He misses the colours and friendships of his faraway home. But when a teacher at school gives him a few seeds, she plants an idea in him – an idea that could transform his grey world for ever.

Are you careful with a friend’s bike – do you treat it with respect, or would you return it battered and broken? Do you take notice of rules, or do you just ignore them? Full of everyday situations like these, this book will help answer the question – how considerate are you?

A story about navigating the often shifting bonds of family and friendship, and learning how to put the pieces back together when things fall apart.