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Talking about bullying

When your child experiences bullying this can have a huge impact on their confidence, their learning, and their right to be safe in school and in the community. As a parent you can feel upset, powerless and deeply worried for your child. These days bullying can be experienced in-person and online – sometimes the distinction is blurred, and so it can happen wherever children find themselves.

The suggestions here will help you and your child talk and think through what bullying is and the harm it does. While the best thing to do is to prevent bullying, when it happens, we need to react – this may mean involving other people, including professional people, to support you and your child.

It is also important to recognise that sometimes it can be our own child whose behaviour is seen as bullying another child. This can be hard to hear, and it requires some thought as to how you can best respond.

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Preventing bullying: talking and learning about kindness and empathy

Before we think about how to help when a bullying situation occurs it might be worth thinking about how we want our child – every child – to be with others. We can help them talk and learn about kindness. You could use this language to help explain what kindness is. If you see them being kind, thank them and say, ‘oh that was kind of you’.

Kindness is when you are friendly and think about other people’s feelings. Kindness is about what you say to others and what you do for them.

A second characteristic that we can help our child to understand and develop is empathy. This may not be a word they know, you can introduce it. If you talk about empathy you could think of this way to describe it.

We all feel better when we know someone else really understands us.

Empathy means when you really try to understand what is happening to another person and how they feel. You might imagine what it is like to be in their situation.

As with kindness, if you see your child showing empathy you can recognise it and say so, for example: ‘I saw that you really noticed that Molly was upset because her Mum was late to pick her up, you were upset for her, weren’t you? It was kind of you to try to help her’.

As children develop an understanding of kindness and empathy, they will also be able to recognise when other children are not being kind or empathic toward them or others. If our children have these words, if they understand what they mean, they are better equipped to talk to us.

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Why are some people mean?

In the Questions Children and Young People Ask part of this resource we offer suggestions as to how to answer this questions, we repeat the suggested text for children this age here. This might help as you talk about behaviour you want to acknowledge as bullying.

People can be mean for a whole bunch of reasons. Sometimes the person being mean picks on something that is different about another person. Maybe the person being mean doesn’t feel confident in themselves. Maybe they are worried or scared and think that being mean to others covers that up. 

You have some choices about what to do if someone is mean to you. You could ignore it, just walk away. You could decide it’s not worth bothering with. But if it’s upsetting, and if it happens more than once, then maybe that won’t be enough. You can come to me. Tell me what’s happening. We can talk and decide what to do next. You must never feel upset or frightened at school (at the club/in the street) so always come talk to me.

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So, what is bullying?

People can disagree about an actual definition – this is some text that you can use and adapt as you see fit when you are speaking to your child.

Bullying can be when someone makes another person feel hurt or frightened or left out. Bullying can be when someone keeps calling someone bad names or teasing them so that they get upset. It can be when someone hits or pushes someone. It can be when someone takes or damages your things. If anything like this happens to you, I would like you to come tell me. Or if it happens at school find an adult to tell. Who would you pick to go to at school if you have a worry?

As you talk to your child about their day, at school, at clubs or out playing, you can pick up on any worries or observations they have about other children. If they are telling you another child is having a hard time, have a think about who you can tell so that this gets proper attention.

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Who can I go to with a question or a worry? My 5

As you talk about how children get on, or about bullying, this would be a good time to also chat about who your child can go to with a question or a worry. Of course you want that to be you, but it is also helpful that your child can identify other adults or older siblings who can help. These people can be in the family or at school, in a club they go to, in your church or community group. The way you can do this is to hold up your hand and with your child have a chat about five people they can go to with a question or worry – count them off, one finger at a time. As you chat you can talk about why them? Are they good listeners? Are they easily available? Are they kind?

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When your child’s behaviour is seen as the problem

It can be difficult to hear someone say to you that your child is bullying another child. It is natural to want to defend your child. You might also already know that your child is having trouble managing their emotions or struggling with social skills. Some of this might need to be explained without it being misunderstood that you are excusing problematic behaviour.

You will also want to know from your child’s point of view, what is going on here? Here are a few things you can do to start the conversation, without blame, but being open to the possibility that something needs to change.

• Introduce the topic of bullying. Does your child know what it is? Help them understand what bullying is if you need to.
• Have they ever seen someone being bullied? Have they ever been bullied? How did the child/they feel?
• Be clear that bullying is never okay.
• Tell them there is something you need to chat about, that you have been told that they might be involved in something that another child feels is bullying. Does your child understand what you are describing and why it’s a problem for the other child?
• What’s going on in school/the club…. For your child just now? Are they unhappy there?
• If you understand now that your child is behaving inappropriately, explain this can’t continue. Talk about how they can make the change.
• Be clear at the end of the chat (or several chats over time) that you will be checking in again.
• Speak to whoever shared the bullying concern with you. Set up a way to keep talking so that you can monitor what’s happening.

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Would your child’s school like to know more about how to prevent and tackle bullying?

You can find more for parents and for schools from respectme which is Scotland’s national anti-bullying service: Home – respectme

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Books

You might like to read these books together. Your school or library might have them, or you can ask the library if they will order a book for you.

Based on a true story from Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s childhood in South Africa, the book reveals the power of words and the secret of forgiveness.

Are you careful with a friend’s bike – do you treat it with respect, or would you return it battered and broken? Do you take notice of rules, or do you just ignore them? Full of everyday situations like these, this book will help answer the question – how considerate are you?

This is a lyrical ode to loving who you are, respecting others, and being kind to one another.

What happens when our children witness bullying, harassment, or discrimination? Or what do they do when it happens to them? In this rhyming story, children will learn what it means to speak up for themselves and for others.

The Friends Against Bullying (FAB) Club is formed when Ruth, Jake, Ravi, Nancy and Toby decide to stand up to the bullies at school.

In this rhyming story, with colourful illustrations, children learn about developing empathy.

This story uses verse, illustrations and a little person called Quinn to model the meaning of empathy.

This picture book follows Faizah and Asiya, sisters experiencing firsts: Faizah’s first day at school and Asiya’s first day wearing the hijab. Faizah thinks her sister’s hijab is beautiful, but not all the other children at school feel the same. This is a story about staying true to who you are in the face of adversity.

For children 8+, this graphic novel follows Mia, a twelve-year-old girl with autism who is bullied at school for being different. Informed by the author’s own experiences of growing up with autism, this book is an insightful look at neurodivergence, accommodating different needs and finding what brings you joy.

Mandy Harper, one of the meanest girls ever, viciously ruled the school. She decided who was in and who was out. At least until Kayla Littlebe started standing up to her. But one day Mandy found out she might need glasses. Would she still be able to rule the school, or would her new glasses help her see the error of her ways? Lessons taught in this adventure importance of being kind to others, standing up for other and not judging a book by its cover.