theChat.scot

---

Talking about consent

At this age we can help children to express what they like and don’t like. We can help them learn the value in listening to what others say. We want them to build confidence that what they want and say must be heard too. As they make connections with other children and adults outside the family home, they will be learning how to communicate effectively.

When we talk about consent what we mean is that we are asking and receiving someone’s permission to do something. For a child this can be understood to be things like asking: Can I borrow a pencil from you? Can I go out to play? Can I switch channels to watch the football? In these moments we want children to pay attention to the response they get, to understand whether consent has been given, or not.

We also want them to learn that their consent should be asked for, and that they can also say yes or no. So, someone might ask: Can I play with your Play Station? Can I go with you to the shops? When we talk and learn about consent, we are building our child’s sense of confidence, helping them respect others and protecting them from harm.

As with all the different topics we are exploring in this section of the Chat much of this talking and learning together happens in those moments where we are chatting, talking about how the day is going, playing and reading books.

It would be a misunderstanding to think that when we talk and learn about consent with children at this age, we mean sexual consent. This is not what we are talking about at this age. We can think of the learning at this age as being a building block for that later learning – so that when they are older and making choices as young adults, then they have the basic understanding about what consent is from what they learned as a child. Talking and learning together on the topic of consent is connected to the talking and learning you will do on a related topic: My body belongs to me (bodily autonomy). You will find more support on that topic in this section of the resource.

---

Explaining consent

In the Questions Children and Young People Ask section we posed the question: What is consent? We suggested this answer for 6- to 8-year-olds.

Consent means asking someone if you can do something or if they want something. For example, you might say: Would you like to play football with me? If they say yes, they give consent. If they say no, they do not give consent. If they say I’m not sure they do not give consent.

We also said that your child might understand the following further explanation:

Apart from what someone says with words, someone might say yes or no or not sure with their face or their body. This is called body language, and we need to pay attention to that too.

---

Making choices/ Saying yes, saying no – with confidence

You might feel your child is lacking in confidence when it comes to saying what they want or like or don’t want or don’t like. Of course it is okay to be unsure, but whatever your child feels and wants to communicate matters, the more confident they are about this communication the better.

You can help your child learn to make choices and say yes or no by the questions you ask, and you can watch how they respond to others when they are being asked to do something or asked for something. When you practice asking their consent for something make it a real choice, and something you can accept whatever the answer. For example, imagine you are going to the supermarket, and you want to ask them if they would like to go with you. (There is someone else at home so it’s okay whatever they answer). You ask the question, and they answer yes or no. You can respond with ok, good choice. There is an opportunity here to talk if they aren’t sure, or if they say yes or no, and their body language says something else. You can notice that and ask: Well, you are saying no but you look unsure, what do you really feel or want to do?

---

Body language

While we are encouraging children to use words we can also focus on the gestures or body language we use when we communicate our feelings or preferences. At this age children can be supported to understand their own body language and in terms of reading other people. You can point out in real life or on TV how people are acting: “How do you think (name) is feeling just now about what that person asks/wants?”

If you feel able to have some fun with it you could get them to ask you a question and you could give an enthusiastic yes, a defiant no, or a shrug/look unsure. Is the latter consent? You could point out to them how they use their body rather than words. If there is an example that will help you can use it – like when their gran or grandad wants to give them a kiss goodbye and they’re not wanting it but aren’t saying no.

---

Understanding other people’s choices

As your child is learning that they can make choices and say what they want, they will be learning that other people can do this too. So, over time they will need to learn to listen and pay attention to others. Of course, they might not always be happy with the other persons choice. Then you can talk: “Why did (name) say/do that do you think? What did you think when…?”

---

Consent examples

Here are some ideas you can read and talk about together. In examples D and E, there is an example of having to ask permission/for consent every time.

A. Maria has forgotten to bring her colour pencils to school. She asks her friend Martha if she can borrow her blue pencil. Martha says “Yes, of course you can”. Can Maria borrow the pencil? Has Martha given her consent?

B. Aadya is in the dining hall having lunch. She forgot to pick up a spoon and can see that Dimitri has one. Aadya says “Can I have that spoon?” and Dimitri says “No, I need it”. Can Aadya take the spoon? Did Dimitri give his consent?

C. Michael has a packet of crisps. His friend Leah says, “Can I have one?” Michael doesn’t look happy, he says “Well….” Can Leah take a crisp? Has Michael given his consent?

D. Sophie’s big brother Max comes home with a pizza. He says, “Would you like a piece?” Sophie takes a piece of pizza. Did Sophie have her brother’s consent?

E. The next day, Max comes home with another pizza. He doesn’t say anything and leaves it on the kitchen table and goes to his room for something. Sophie takes a bit of pizza. Did she have her brother’s consent this time?

---

Books

You might like to read these books together. Your school or library might have them, or you can ask the library if they will order a book for you.

On his 6th birthday, Miles’ excitement is dimmed when he finds himself being pinched, hugged too tight, picked up and tickled by his well-intentioned family and decides he’s had enough. When Miles decrees that he is the “Boss of his body,” his whole family expresses support and respect for his personal boundaries. 

A young girl attempts to escape the curious hands that want to touch her hair. A picture book that teaches the importance of asking for permission first.

This book explores these concepts with children in a child-friendly and easily understood manner, providing familiar scenarios for children to engage with and discuss. 

The 26 ‘key’ letters and accompanying words will help children to learn and consolidate age appropriate body safety and consent skills.

A picture book about an empowered girl who has a very strong and clear voice in all issues, especially those relating to her body and personal boundaries.