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Talking about consent

At this age we can help children to express what they like and don’t like. We can help them learn the value in listening to what others say. We want them to build confidence that what they want and say must be heard too. As they make connections with other children and adults outside the family home, they will be learning how to communicate effectively.

When we talk about consent what we mean is that we are asking and receiving someone’s permission to do something. For a child this can be understood to be things like asking: Can I borrow a pencil from you? Can I go out to play? Can I switch channels to watch the football? In these moments we want children to pay attention to the response they get, to understand whether consent has been given, or not.

We also want them to learn that their consent should be asked for, and that they can also say yes or no. So, someone might ask: Can I play with your Play Station? Can I go with you to the shops?

When we talk and learn about consent, we are building our child’s sense of confidence, helping them respect others and protecting them from harm.

It can be misunderstood that when we talk and learn about consent with children, that we mean sexual consent. This is not what we are talking about at this age. We can think of the learning at this age as being a building block for that later learning – so that when they are older and making choices as young adults, then they have the basic understanding about what consent is from what they learned from us as a child.

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Explaining consent

In the Questions Children and Young People Ask section we posed the question: What is consent? We suggested this answer. There is a lot here, and so while you might use the full answer, this might be something to talk about more, over time, breaking it down as you talk together and use examples of situations.

Consent means asking someone if you can do something or if they want something.

If they say yes, they give consent. If they say no, they do not give consent. If they aren’t sure or aren’t clear, they do not give consent.

Apart from what someone says with words, someone might say yes or no or not sure with their face or their body. This is called body language, and we need to pay attention to that too.

If they give consent once, you still must ask the next time.

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Saying yes, saying no – with confidence

You might feel your child is lacking in confidence when it comes to saying what they want or like or don’t want or don’t like. Of course it is okay to be unsure, but whatever your child feels and wants to communicate matters, the more confident they are about this communication the better.

You can think about these ways to build your child’s confidence when it comes to saying yes, no or not sure. This can be done after something you have observed – perhaps you saw them do something with a friend that they didn’t really want to do. You can ask how they really felt about a choice they were given or a request that was made of them. If something is a regular occurrence you could role play it with them, helping them build confidence and trust in their response through practice.

If saying ‘no’ to some people is difficult, help them think of a fuller response that sounds like a better explanation: No, I can’t do that today, my dad says I have to get home.

You can encourage your child to share those ‘oh I don’t really know’ moments. Why were they unsure? Was it because they worry that saying yes or no might get them into bother? Are they worried about the other person’s response if they assert themselves? Solutions will be found through conversation, and an assertive clear response can be practiced.

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Body language

At this age children can be supported to understand the importance of body language – their own and in terms of reading other people. You can point out in real life or on TV how people are acting – How do you think (name) is feeling just now about what that person asks/wants? If you feel able to have some fun with it you could get them to ask you a question and you could give an enthusiastic yes, a defiant no, or a shrug/look unsure. Is the shrug consent? You could point out to them how they use their body rather than words. If there is an example that will help you can use it – like when their gran or grandad wants to give them a kiss goodbye and they’re not wanting it but aren’t saying no.

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Asking for consent every time

The last sentence in the answer we gave earlier is important. If you needed an example of how this works, you could use this story.

So, this girl’s big brother comes home with a pizza. He says to her, “Would you like a piece?” She takes a piece of pizza. Did she have her brother’s consent?

Then the next day, the big brother comes home with another pizza. He doesn’t say anything and leaves it on the kitchen table and goes to his room for something. His wee sister takes a bit of pizza. Did she have her brother’s consent this time?

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Animation

This animation is about both consent and bodily autonomy. Watch it first, then you can share and chat about it.

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Books

You might like to read these books together. Your school or library might have them, or you can ask the library if they will order a book for you.

An empowering introduction to consent, bodily autonomy and how to respect yourself and others. By the team that produced the animation listed above.

Explores the importance of respecting other people’s bodies, and introduces the concept of consent, encouraging both children and adults to ask before touching and to respect the boundaries of others.