theChat.scot

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Talking about friendships

At this age children understand that there are different kinds of friendships and relationships. Possibly by now, some friendships may be online. It is helpful for children to talk about what kind of friend they can be and what they want from friendships. We can also help them understand that they don’t need to be friends with everyone, but they can be respectful.

Being able to come to you to talk about friends is something that will be important to them. As parents we want our child to build resilience so that they can manage the ups and downs of friendships. At the same time, we want them to come to us when something about friendships or another child’s behaviour is upsetting or worrying them.

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What is a friend?

If helpful, you could say what you think defines a friend along these lines:

I’d say a friend is a person who knows you well and that you like a lot. A friend is someone you can trust and will treat you well. You can be friendly with many people, but a friend is a special person to you. What do you think?

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Get chatting

You can chat about your child’s relationships with other children with questions like these. While you do, you can bring in childhood experiences, or other family stories: When I was wee… When your big sister was wee…

Who do you like being with/playing with/hanging out with just now?
What makes them a good friend?
What do you like about him/her/your friends?
How do you know someone is your friend?
What do you think your friends like about you? Like, if I was to ask them, what do you think they’d say?

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Going into a new environment

If your child is going to a new class, new school, new club, new neighbourhood, they can be concerned about meeting new children and whether they will make friends. You can talk about the new upcoming situation and talk them through what can happen. This is an example, a child going to a new school.

So, you are going into the new playground, what do you think it will be like? What would be a good way to start chatting to someone?

You could prompt with any of these ideas, depending on the new situation.

You could… (Do you think you could do that? Would that help?)

• Ask someone their name. Tell them your name.
• Smile at someone.
• Ask if you can join in.
• Start talking to someone, say what you like and ask questions about what they like.
• Listen to what someone is saying.
• If someone looks lonely or sad, go and talk to them. Are you alright?
• If someone looks like they are stuck with something, ask if you can help.
• If someone needs something, let them borrow yours.
• Give someone a compliment.

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When friends fall out

At some point friends fall out and you might notice your child is upset, or perhaps a regular friend is not on the radar anymore, or your child doesn’t want to go somewhere they are usually keen to be at. If your child wants to talk, a good place to start is to find out what has happened, and whether your child has already thought about a way to resolve an issue. If not, as you chat, you could suggest something along these lines:

Do you think it would help to…

• Try and imagine it from the other side.
• Find someone who can help you to get talking – who could help you make peace?
• Listen or ask again what the problem is. Try to pay attention to what your friend is saying so you can understand.
• Tell them how you feel.
• Have a laugh – see the funny side.
• Accept that you might both have been right – being able to disagree is an important part of a friendship. Could you put that to them in some way?

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Online friends

There is other support in this Talking About section about Being safe and happy online. There is sometimes a need to remind children that how they behave towards others online, needs to be the same as when they are in person – so with respect.

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Books

You might like to read these books together. Your school or library might have them, or you can ask the library if they will order a book for you.

Avid gamer, Emmy is a champion online but in her real life she is faced with bullying and loneliness. A story about the power of community and friendship.

A story about finding your voice, shouting from the rooftops about something you believe in, refusing to back down, helping a friend and never giving up.

Joe and Ravi might be from very different places, but they’re both stuck in the same place…school. Joe and Ravi don’t think they have anything in common, but soon enough they have a common enemy and a common mission.