Talking about abuse

None of us want to talk about abuse with our child. But the risks of abuse in-person and online are real. Over time, and with many chats, we can help our children understand the importance of them being and feeling safe.

The chats we support with the suggestions here will help you build your child’s understanding that they have the right to be safe. By talking about what abuse is we can reassure children, help them build the language and skills to look after themselves, and understand when they need to talk to you or another trusted adult when they have questions or worries about themselves or a friend.

Your child might ask a question about what abuse is, they may have an example they want to ask about, perhaps asking something like: Is it abuse when a grown up slaps a child? You can respond in a limited way to such a question, with a ‘yes’ and then perhaps look to explore further with questions like: Let’s talk about that for a minute… Can you tell me what you know about that already? Okay, could you tell me where you heard that?

If you are concerned about your child’s safety, or if they have experienced harm, please get some support for you and then for your child. You can speak to a professional person you know, or you can contact ParentLine for free: 08000 28 22 23 or go here for a link to the webchat and email facility: How Children 1st Parentline Can Support You | Children 1st

Physical abuse

Children have heard about ChildLine and will see it as a trusted source of information and support. If you want to talk about what physical abuse is, you can use this, or at least relevant parts of this description. We would not suggest reading the list of characteristics of physical abuse. Rather, use it to explain or clarify when something that might happen to a child is abusive.

Every child has the right to be safe. ChildLine says physical abuse is when someone is hurting you. This could be hurting you with their hands, their feet, or an object.
Some examples of physical abuse are when someone does any of these things to a child:

hitting, smacking and slapping

punching and kicking

pinching, scratching or biting

shaking or suffocating a child

scalding or burning a child

hair pulling

spitting or throwing things at the child

making a child swallow something that hurts or makes them feel ill, including giving medicine when it’s not needed.

Neglect

When we think about abuse these days we can also think about neglect. This suggested text is there for you should your child ask about this.

ChildLine says every child has the right to be looked after properly. Sometimes a family are trying to do their best, but maybe they can’t provide a child with the care that they need. This would be called neglect. The family can get help.

Sexual abuse

Over the years, as your child grows, you will have been chatting together about names for parts of their body and about private parts. They might remember the PANTS rule and song – there’s a link later, you could always revisit and remember it together. When it comes to chatting about sexual abuse there are quite a few things we might want our child to understand. You can take this slowly; it’s definitely not just one chat.

Also remember, if your child asks you a question about anything to do with sexual abuse (they might not use that word) then take a moment and explore it with them: Let’s talk about that for a minute… Can you tell me what you know about that already? Okay, could you tell me where you heard that?

Here are some important things we all need to know about sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse is when someone touches a child’s private body parts (breasts, penis, testicles, vulva, bottom). Remember, your private parts are the parts of your body that are covered by your underpants or swimming costume.

Sexual abuse can happen to girls and boys. A child can be sexually abused by someone they know, or by a stranger.

Sexual abuse is when someone shows their private body parts. They can do this when they are with a child or online. So, this can be when someone is next to you, or near you. It can also be if you are on your phone or tablet or gaming.

Sexual abuse is when someone shows a child sexual pictures or makes a child watch people doing something sexual (pornography). So, you might have heard this word pornography, sometimes people say ‘porn’. Porn is pictures or videos of sexual things.

Sexual abuse can be when a child is asked or forced to take a photo of private body parts.

If someone sexually abuses a child, that person knows what they’re doing is wrong. They might tell the girl or boy to keep it a secret or try and make them believe that it’s okay. It’s not okay. Sexual abuse is NEVER a child’s fault. It is never too late to tell. Telling will help.

Things to remember

Over time and over many chats you can remind your child of some important things to remember

Every one of us should be safe.
Abuse is never the fault of a child.
No child should be hurt or feel frightened.
It’s always best to find someone to talk to if you have a worry or if you are worried about a friend.
Telling someone helps.

If you want to have more chats about how to encourage your child to seek support when they have a question or a worry take a look at this Talking About section for 9-10-year-olds: Identifying trusted adults/who to go to with a question or a worry

Talking PANTS

This is a link to the wonderful PANTS resources from the NSPCC. Scroll down for some things to do, and of course the Pantosaurus cartoon and song: Talk PANTS: Conversation to help keep children safe | NSPCC