Talking about abuse in relationships
We hope and expect the best for our children in their relationships. However, the risks of abuse in teenage relationships are real. Thinking about their early experiences of relationships, our teenage children might not make so much of a distinction between what happens in person and online; relationships can be either or both. Over time, and with many chats, we can help them understand the importance of them being and feeling safe. By talking about what abuse is we can reassure them, help them build the language and skills to look after themselves, and understand when they need to talk to you or another trusted adult.
Your child might ask a question about what abuse is, they may have an example they want to ask about, perhaps asking something like: Is it abuse when someone you are going out with tells you, you can’t go somewhere? Is it abuse when someone shoves you? You can respond in a limited way to such a question with a ‘yes’ and then perhaps look to explore further with: Let’s talk about that for a minute…
If you are concerned about your teenage child’s safety, or if they have experienced harm, please get some support for you and then for your child. You can speak to a professional person you know, or you can contact ParentLine for free and in confidence: 08000 28 22 23 or go here for a link to the webchat and email facility: How Children 1st Parentline Can Support You | Children 1st
There are two kinds of abuse that you might want your teenage child to understand and recognise. One is grooming and sexual exploitation and the other is partner control, coercion and violence.
Starting with important things to remember
As you chat about these difficult topics it is important to circle back to the things every teenager needs to remember, so we will start with those.
Healthy relationships are all about respecting each other. You should feel loved, safe and free to be yourself. Nobody should hurt or frighten you.
Abuse in relationships can happen to anyone. Things can escalate very quickly or develop over time. It’s not normal, it’s never OK and it’s definitely not part of a healthy relationship. And it’s against the law.
It isn’t always physical; it can be emotional and sexual abuse too. If your relationship leaves you feeling scared, intimidated or controlled, it’s possible you’re in an abusive relationship.
There’s never an excuse for relationship abuse. Anger, jealousy, alcohol or wanting to protect the other person – none of these justify abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship, or someone you care about is, then you should talk to someone you trust.
Talking about grooming and sexual exploitation
By 16, 17, 18 our children might imagine that they are old enough to understand the risks of grooming or sexual exploitation – having these chats might not be easy when they feel invulnerable. But it is worth making an effort to have them, nonetheless. These words of explanation might help.
Grooming is when someone builds a relationship with a young person and tricks them or pressures them to do something sexual. Grooming is a form of sexual exploitation. Grooming can happen with someone you know, like a friend of the family or someone at a club or activity you go to. Grooming can also happen online.
It is worth spending some time making sure that they understand the signs of grooming, those who abuse young people can be highly manipulative over a period of time. Chat with your child about how grooming starts.
Every situation is different but…
It might start with them being friendly, messages and chat.
This person wants you to trust them.
They might pretend to be your friend or boyfriend/ girlfriend.
They might ask you to keep it secret that you are in touch.
They might give you money or presents.
They check when you are on your own (so no-one else finds out about them)
They might ask you to send photos of yourself. Then they send sexual messages, they might try to be funny or nice at first, then they will get more sexual.
Eventually they might try to threaten you or frighten you and force you to do more things.
It is important for teenagers to understand that the person who is behaving in this way will attempt to make an emotional connection that they can exploit.
A person who grooms is someone who makes an emotional connection with you, maybe they say they are your friend at first, then they ask you to do things like:
Talk about sexual things.
Send nudes, or pictures of yourself in underwear.
Send sexual videos of yourself.
Do something live on webcam.
Meet up with them in person.
Partner control, coercion and violence
We can do our best to make sure our teenage children don’t feel pressured into having a boyfriend/girlfriend, but this might happen anyway – and of course it might be something they really want. We can hope these early relationships are positive but sometimes they are not. A study of 13- to 17-year-olds by NSPCC said that abuse can begin in their teenage years: 25% of girls and 18% of boys in the study reported having experienced some form of physical violence from an intimate partner. If you scroll down, you will see some description of the different kinds of control, coercion or violence that someone can experience from a partner. The idea isn’t to read these to your child, but you can use the information to chat about experiences or worries they have, or they say a friend is having.
Talking about stalking
Stalking is unwanted, focussed behaviours carried out by one person, or persons, against another, causing fear and alarm. A wide range of behaviours may qualify as stalking – including sending unwanted messages, harassment and monitoring on social media, following or loitering, or verbal abuse. In Scots law, stalking is defined as a ‘course of conduct’ that places another person in a state of fear or alarm. A ‘course of conduct’ is defined as two or more incidents. That’s all it takes for stalking incidents to become criminal.
What stops young people from telling someone about abuse?
As parents we can wonder why a child – our child – doesn’t just tell when something is happening that they feel is wrong. It’s worth discussing this question with your child. Here are some of the reasons that a young person might not tell, you could mention any of these reasons if they don’t come up in a chat about this.
Sometime a young person doesn’t realise what’s happening is grooming or abuse.
The person who is abusing or grooming the young person can be so clever they trick the young person into believing they’re a friend, boyfriend or girlfriend.
The young person being groomed or abused might worry about getting someone else into trouble.
The young person might feel bad about something they have done – even though they were tricked or forced to.
The person who is grooming or abusing the young person will threaten to tell people or hurt them or share something.
Because a young person feels tricked, they might feel ashamed or embarrassed.
Understanding different kinds of abuse
What is emotional abuse?
Some people use emotional abuse to control people. These signs can be more difficult to spot, but could include: Getting angry when you want to spend time with your friends; Isolating you from friends and family; Threatening to spread rumours about you; Saying things like “If you loved me you would…”; Putting you down all the time; Trying to control your life (telling you how to dress, who you hang out with and what you say); Getting really angry, really quickly; Using force during an argument; Blaming others for their problems or feelings; Being verbally abusive.
What is physical abuse?
Some people use violence to force someone to do something or threaten to use it to control them. Things like: Hitting; Punching; Kicking; Slapping; Pushing someone against a wall and refusing to let them go; Holding somebody down.
What is sexual abuse?
Forcing someone to do any sexual acts they don’t want to do is rape or sexual assault. This kind of abuse can happen in a relationship. Things like: Calling you a slut, or other names; Pressuring you into having sex or performing sexual acts; Involving other people in sexual activities with you without your consent; Ignoring you if you say you don’t want to have sex; Forcing you to watch pornography or to participate in the making of it; Withholding or controlling your access to contraception and protection; Threatening to share intimate images of you with your friends, family, community or online.
What is online abuse?
Things like: Watching your social media accounts i.e. keeping track of who likes your posts, who messages you; Sending you negative or insulting messages; Using technology to track your movements and activities; Sending you nudes without your consent and demanding you send them in return; Constantly texting you and making you feel you can’t be separated from your phone; Insisting that you give them your passwords to your email or your social media accounts.
What is financial abuse?
Things like: Giving you money and making you say how you have spent it; Not letting you have any access to the bank account or money; Stopping you from working; Taking out debt in your name or making you take on debt for them; Not giving you money towards household bills when you live together; Not paying maintenance for children when the relationship has ended.
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