Talking about bullying
When your child experiences bullying this can have a huge impact on their confidence, their learning, and their right to be safe in school and in the community. As a parent you can feel upset, powerless and deeply worried for your child. These days bullying can be experienced in-person and online – sometimes the distinction is blurred, and so it can happen wherever children find themselves.
The suggestions here will help you and your child talk and think through what bullying is and the harm it does. While the best thing to do is to prevent bullying, when it happens, we need to react – this may mean involving other people, including professional people, to support you and your child.
It is also important to recognise that sometimes it can be our own child whose behaviour is seen as bullying another child. This can be hard to hear, and it requires some thought as to how you can best respond.
Preventing bullying: The characteristics we want to help our children to develop
Before we think about how to help when a bullying situation occurs it might be worth thinking about how we want our child – every child – to be with others. We can extend this to the adults we want to be too. One way to think about being the best person we can be is to talk with your child and encourage them to display these characteristics, as always you might use your own version of explanations of what we mean by kindness, trust and empathy.
We should try to be kind to other people. Kindness is when you are friendly and think about other people’s feelings. Kindness is about what you say to others and what you do for them.
We all need someone to trust. Trust is when you can believe in someone. And they believe in you. Trust is when you can rely on someone. I trust you and I hope you trust me.
We all feel better when we know someone else really understands us. Empathy means when you really try to understand what is happening to another person and how they feel. You might imagine what it is like to be in their situation. Do you ever think about how life is for other children you know?
Why are some people mean?
In the Questions Children and Young People Ask part of this resource we offer suggestions as to how to answer this questions, we repeat the suggested text for children this age here, it can help as you talk about behaviour you want to acknowledge as bullying.
People can be mean for a whole bunch of reasons. They might lack confidence in themselves or feel insecure and think that being mean to others covers that up. They might have prejudice towards girls, or people of colour, or gay or lesbian people or disabled people.
Sometimes someone can be mean when they are unwell, they might be really stressed, or maybe they don’t understand what they are doing or aren’t in control of what they are doing. Sometimes, we just don’t understand why someone is mean.
You have some choices about what to do if someone is mean to you. You could ignore it, just walk away. You could decide it’s not worth bothering with. But if it’s upsetting, and if it happens more than once, then maybe that won’t be enough. You can come to me. Tell me what’s happening. We can talk and decide what to do next. It might mean we need to tell someone we trust at school. But we can decide that together. Just remember, no one has the right to make you feel embarrassed or worried or frightened.
So, what is bullying?
People can disagree about an actual definition – this is a suggestion that you can use and adapt to chat about bullying.
Bullying is a kind of behaviour. It happens between people. It is behaviour that can make people feel hurt, threatened, frightened and left out. It can happen face to face and online. It can be targeting someone just because of who they are.
The kinds of behaviours that can be bullying are things like being called names or teased or threatened. It can be when someone hits or pushes someone. It can be when someone takes or damages your things. Bullying can also be leaving someone out or getting people to ignore someone.
Helping your child to understand how bullying makes people feel
Earlier we mentioned the importance of empathy. Empathy is a powerful tool that helps children (and us adults) to connect with other people – we can see them as individuals and see their worry, their distress or, at the opposite end of the scale, we feel when they are happy and relaxed. When we chat with our child about bullying we can ask:
How do you think a child feels when they are being bullied?
This film is produced by Children’s Parliament, and it talks about the impact bullying has on children. In the film children talk about how we need to tackle bullying with kindness, empathy, trust and an idea called human dignity. They also talk about children’s rights. You can watch the film together.
Children’s Parliament Investigates Bullying https://youtu.be/jQN7prrKsMI?si=4f3_jzo-Z1iuK10R (film 8 minutes 37)
The role of bystanders
Often, when bullying is happening, there are other children who are around, who hear it, maybe get drawn into it. The children who see or hear bullying maybe feel something is wrong, but they don’t know what to do. A person who is aware or sees bullying happening is called a bystander. Bystanders can be important in helping to prevent and stop bullying. To be clear, we don’t want our children to be unsafe, to get involved in a situation and put themselves in harm’s way. But you can have chats using these questions that help your child to think about what they see or hear, and what they can do is something doesn’t feel right.
How do you think it feels if you are being bullied?
How can we help a child who is being bullied?
How can we help a child who is bullying others?It’s important that you are always safe, so if you see bullying happening and you feel confident and safe you might be able to say that it’s not right and just to stop. Or you might want to come to talk to me or to someone at school so that we can help.
Who can I go to with a question or a worry? My 5
As you talk about bullying this would be a good time to also chat about who your child can go to with a question or a worry. Of course you want that to be you, but it is also helpful that your child can identify other adults or older siblings who can help. These people can be in the family or at school, in a club they go to, in your church or community group. The way you can do this is to hold up your hand and with your child have a chat about five people they can go to with a question or worry – count them off, one finger at a time. As you chat you can talk about why them? Are they good listeners? Are they easily available? Are they kind?
When your child’s behaviour is seen as the problem
It can be difficult to hear someone say to you that your child is bullying another child. It is natural to want to defend your child. You might also already know that your child is having trouble managing their emotions or struggling with social skills. Some of this might need to be explained, without it being misunderstood that you are excusing problematic behaviour.
You will also want to know from your child’s point of view, what is going on here? Here are a few things you can do to start the conversation, without blame, but being open to the possibility that something needs to change.
- Introduce the topic of bullying. Does your child know what it is? Help them understand what bullying is if you need to.
- Have they ever seen someone being bullied? Have they ever been bullied? How did the kid/they feel?
- Be clear that bullying is never okay.
- Tell them there is something you need to chat about, that you have been told that they might be involved in something that another child feels is bullying. Does your child understand what you are describing and why it’s a problem for the other child?
- What’s going on in school/the club…. For your child just now? Are they unhappy there?
- If you understand now that your child is behaving inappropriately, explain this can’t continue. Talk about how they can make the change.
- Be clear at the end of the chat (or several chats over time) that you will be checking in again.
- Speak to whoever shared the bullying concern with you. Set up a way to keep talking so that you can monitor what’s happening.
Would your child’s school like to know more about how to prevent and tackle bullying?
Then they might be interested in the work Children’s Parliament did on this. At this link the school will find the film, posters and a report on the actions that need to be taken to prevent and respond to bullying: CP Investigates Bullying – Children’s Parliament (childrensparliament.org.uk)
You can find more for parents and for schools from respectme which is Scotland’s national anti-bullying service: Home – respectme
Books
You might like to read these books together. Your school or library might have them, or you can ask the library if they will order a book for you.
Emmy Levels Up
Helen Harvey
ISBN 978-0192774644
At school, Emmy is bullied and friendless. At home, she’s one of the most powerful avatars in all of Illusory Isles, her favourite video game. This book cleverly illustrates passive aggressive and social bullying, whilst also celebrating the escapism and empowerment that can be found in favourite hobbies and imaginary worlds.
The Big Trip
Rosie Jones
ISBN 978-1444958379
The second instalment in Rosie Jones’s series sees Edie, a food obsessed, drama-loving 11-year-old with cerebral palsy, go to drama camp. What should be a fun adventure with all her friends quickly becomes humiliating when one of the teacher’s ableist comments make Edie want to give up acting all together. Though bullying isn’t the main focus of the story, this book nicely illustrates how adults and teachers can also hurt the children they work with.
Wonder
R.J. Palacio
ISBN 978-0552565974
August Pullman was born with a facial difference that, up until now, has prevented him from going to a mainstream school. Starting 5th grade at Beecher Prep, he wants nothing more than to be treated as an ordinary kid—but his new classmates can’t get past Auggie’s extraordinary face. Wonder, begins from Auggie’s point of view, but soon switches to include his classmates, his sister, her boyfriend, and others.
Speak Up
Rebecca Burgess
ISBN 978-0063081192
This graphic novel follows Mia, a twelve-year-old girl with autism who is bullied at school for being different. Online she seeks refuge in a persona as the viral singer Elle-Q! Inspired by the author’s own experiences of growing up with autism, this book is a really intimate and insightful look at neurodivergence, accommodating different needs and finding what brings you joy.
Cardboard Cowboys
Brian Conaghan
ISBN 9781526628602
Set in Glasgow, this story of connection is both poignant and hilarious. Lenny is bullied at school for his weight, so he often skips to sit by the canal on his favourite bench. One day he meets Bruce, a homeless man with whom an unlikely friendship blossoms. Both characters bond through their experience of a world where their worth is dismissed.