theChat.scot

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Talking about consent and the law

As parents we want our teenage children to delay sexual activity until they are old enough to make good decisions and keep themselves safe and healthy. When you talk about sexual consent you can make it clear what your expectations or rules are when it comes to sex. These chats could be about now, but they are important conversations about the future.

In other parts of the Chat, we have talked about having a basic understanding of what consent means even before we think about sex. So just to be clear, here is what we suggested we can help our teenage children to understand about the meaning of consent in every situation.

Consent means asking someone if you can do something or if they want something. If they say yes, they give consent. If they say no, they do not give consent. If they aren’t sure or aren’t clear, they do not give consent.

Apart from what someone says with words, someone might say yes or no or not sure with their face or their body. This is called body language, and we need to pay attention to that too.

If they give consent once, you still must ask the next time.

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Before we think about sexual consent, what does the law say that sex is?

The law talks about sex and sexual activity. We offer some words here that you might share with your teenage child. When we chat about consent, we need our sons and daughters to understand that the idea of sexual consent applies to all of this.

Sex is penetrative oral, vaginal and anal intercourse. This means when a someone puts their penis or something like a sex toy in another person’s mouth, vagina or anus (bottom). Then the law talks about sexual activity, and this means penetrative sex as I’ve mentioned and also kissing or sexual touching, this could include when people masturbate together. If someone asks another person to do anything sexual online, then this is also considered as sexual activity

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How can you explain sexual consent?

In their teenage years we can help our children to understand how they need to apply this understanding of consent to sexual relationships. As with many things, this isn’t a one-off chat, it is likely something worth returning to again.

Sexual consent means that sexual experiences are agreed, respectful and enjoyable. When there is consent both people feel safe and happy to have sex.

You need consent every time you are doing something sexual, the first time and every time. If you are not sure, you do not have consent.

When a person gives consent to sex it must be freely given, not because they have been pestered or made to feel they have to.

You never have to do anything sexual when you don’t want to. If you have said ‘yes’ to something sexual before, you can change your mind the next time.

You must not put pressure on someone to do something sexual. If the other person changes their mind, you must stop.

A person is not able to give their consent if they are incapable because of alcohol or drugs or because they are asleep or unconscious. Any sexual activity in these circumstances is sexual assault or rape.

A person under 13 cannot consent to any sexual activity at all. This would be rape.

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How do you know if someone gives their consent?

This is a common question that a young person will ask as they try to find their way around the complexities of this topic. You could suggest some of these things in your chat:

A person can say that they agree to something, so you can just ask: Can I give you a kiss? Do you want to cuddle on the couch? Or they can give you some idea about how they are feeling with their body language. A person might give consent by pulling someone closer, direct eye contact, smiling, actively touching someone, nodding yes, saying things like ‘that feels good’ or ‘I still want to’. Good communication is part of good sex. So, it’s important that both people pay attention to each other to make sure they are both still happy, comfortable and enjoying the sexual activity they are having. If a person is not sure that the other person is happy and comfortable, they do not have consent.

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Age of consent

It is important that young people aged 16 to 18 understand the age of consent, especially if they are in a relationship with someone who is younger. This is the basic information about the age of consent.

The age of consent is the law that states what age a person needs to be before they can agree to have sex lawfully. It is the same age for all young people, whatever their sex or gender identity, the sex/gender identity of their partner or their sexual orientation. The age of consent in Scotland for everyone is 16.

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Consent and when a partner is in a position of trust

The Chat doesn’t give legal advice, but there is something important for 16- and 17-year-olds to consider if they have a sexual relationship with an older person who is (what is called) in a position of trust. This means that the if the person who is 18 or older is their teacher, care worker, social worker or doctor then that person is breaking the law if they engage in sexual activity with the 16- or 17-year-old. 

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Animations

There are animations to watch together.

Probably the best know animation on the topic.

An animation from Canada.