theChat.scot

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Talking about friendships

At this age children still need guidance and support when it comes to friendships.By now, some friendships may be online. It is helpful for children to talk about what kind of friend they can be and what they want from friendships. We can also help them understand that they don’t need to be friends with everyone, but they can be friendly and respectful.

Being able to come to you to talk about friends is something that will be important to them. As parents we want our child to build resilience so that they can manage the ups and downs of friendships. At the same time though, we want them to come to us when something about friendships or another child’s behaviour is upsetting or worrying them.

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What is a friend?

If helpful, as you chat you could say what you think defines a friend along these lines:

I’d say a friend is a person who knows you well and that you like a lot. A friend is someone you can trust and will treat you well. You can be friendly with many people, but a friend is a special person to you. What do you think?

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Get chatting

You can chat about your child’s relationships with other children with questions like these. While you do, you can bring in childhood experiences, or other family stories: When I was wee… When your big sister was wee…

Who do you like being with/playing with/hanging out with just now?
What makes them a good friend?
What do you like about him/her/your friends?
How do you know someone is your friend?
What do you think your friends like about you? Like, if I was to ask them, what do you think they’d say?

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Normalise insecurities

Children can become anxious about friendships. There are lots of ways to chat suggested in this section but one thing that can help is to normalise the things they are worried about.

You know everyone is a wee bit worried about…. When I was your age….

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Girl and boy friendships

Both boys and girls can start to feel some pressure about girl/boy friendships – comments from peers, siblings or family members can make them feel that this means they need to be ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’. Try to do your best to protect these friendships from such pressures, reassure the children that their friendship is important. If you can, challenge and stop the comments from family/adults.

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Going into a new environment

If your child is going to a new class, new school (perhaps losing touch with established friendships), new club, new neighbourhood, they can be concerned about meeting new children and whether they will make friends. You can talk about the new upcoming situation and talk them through what can happen. This is an example, a child going to a new school.

So, you are going into the new playground, what do you think it will be like? What would be a good way to start chatting to someone?

You could prompt with any of these ideas, depending on the new situation.

You could… (Do you think you could do that? Would that help?)

• Ask someone their name. Tell them your name.
• Smile at someone.
• Ask if you can join in.
• Start talking to someone, say what you like and ask questions about what they like.
• Listen to what someone is saying.
• If someone looks lonely or sad, go and talk to them. Are you alright?
• If someone looks like they are stuck with something, ask if you can help.
• If someone needs something, let them borrow yours.
• Give someone a compliment.

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When friends fall out

At some point friends fall out and you might notice your child is upset, or perhaps a regular friend is not on the radar anymore, or your child doesn’t want to go somewhere they are usually keen to be at. If your child wants to talk, a good place to start is to find out what has happened, and whether your child has already thought about a way to resolve an issue. If not, as you chat, you could suggest something along these lines:

Do you think it would help to…

• Accept that you might both have been right – being able to disagree is an important part of a friendship. Could you put that to them in some way?
• Try and imagine it from the other side.
• Find someone who can help you to get talking – who could help you make peace?
• Listen or ask again what the problem is. Try to pay attention to what your friend is saying so you can understand.
• Tell them how you feel.
• Have a laugh – see the funny side.

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Being happy with who you are

As our children grow, we see their individuality, their personality, their preferences. Day-to-day we can express our love for who they are and what they do. We can also help them to understand that who they are is okay. There is something about peer relationships and the experience of being in big groups, classes, clubs etc that some children revel in while others find it difficult. We suggest a very simple way to chat about this with a conversation about introverts and extroverts. Thinking of this a bit of a sliding scale, and very much influenced by the social situation (we can be both) but children can benefit from thinking about those social experiences where they feel excited and at the centre of it all, and where they really don’t want the attention and would prefer to meet and get to know people in quieter spaces (all of which is okay).

You know when a person is an introvert, they probably prefer things to be calm, they might be quiet, they like their own company. They will have friends but probably don’t like being in big groups.

And when a person is an extrovert, they maybe have more energy, they get excited, they might be a bit loud. They like to be with other people and possibly like to be the centre of attention.

We can be a bit of both – does any of this sound like you?

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Online friends

There is other support in this Talking About section about being safe and happy online but in addition to that there is sometimes a need to remind children that how they behave towards others in-person – with respect – needs to be the same when they are online.

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Books

You might like to read these books together. Your school or library might have them, or you can ask the library if they will order a book for you.

Do you know you have an invisible bucket which is filled with all of your good thoughts and feelings? This award-winning sequel to Have You Filled a Bucket Today? Features easy-to-read chapters, colourful illustrations, and daily questions to help readers become better bucket fillers and give them the tools to live a life filled with happiness.

A graphic novel about fitting in and staying true to yourself.

Meet 11-year-old Tally as she starts high school. Tally is like most of her friends but keeps a secret – she is autistic. This book brings to life the difficulties young people feel about fitting in and negotiating friendships as they start a new chapter in their life.

A collection of poems about the highs and lows of one week in a secondary school, where everything happens all at once.
(For 12 – 14-year-olds)