theChat.scot

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Talking about friendships

Friendships are good for your teenage child. At this age it might not be so easy to chat about friends or friend problems. But you can be available when your child is ready to talk.

Friendships are important for teenagers because friendships enhance self-esteem, it’s good to share interests. Relationships outside the immediate family help build resilience and growing independence.

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A good friend

You can talk about what you mean when you say you want them to have good friends; talk about characteristics like wanting them to have friends who are honest and trustworthy, who respect what is said in confidence. Ask what characteristics they look for?

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You can encourage your child to bring friends home

If you can, make your home a place where friends are welcome. Knowing who friends are can help foster conversation.

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Meeting other young people

If you are able, support your child to get to clubs or social events where friends will be. Of course, you will have your own family rules about things like times to be home, rules about no alcohol or drugs.

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Ask your child what is worrying them when you see or feel that something isn’t right

They might reject your initial ask, don’t be put off. Tell them you are available. One thing that can help is to normalise the things they are worried about. You know everyone is a wee bit worried about…. When I was your age….

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Talk about you

Even though they might cringe a bit, talk about your own growing up, experiences of friendships, and lessons learned.

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When you are concerned about a friendship

Whether young people meet others in-person or online you are right to be concerned if any of these things are happening, so when the friend:

• Seems manipulative or bullying.
• Is making your child feel bad about themselves or something they do.
• Is pressurising your child into something.
• Is introducing alcohol or drugs.
• Is much older.
• Or your child is not telling you anything about them.

You should tell them you are worried. You could have another sibling or family member check in with them too.

If you are concerned about your child’s online relationships read more in Talking About: Social Media/Digital Lives

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When friends fall out

At some point friends fall out and you might notice your child is upset, or perhaps a regular friend is not on the radar anymore, or your child doesn’t want to go somewhere they are usually keen to be at. If your child wants to talk, a good place to start is to find out what has happened, and whether your child has already thought about a way to resolve an issue. If not, as you chat, you could suggest something along these lines:

Do you think it would help to…

• Try and imagine it from the other side.
• Find someone who can help you to get talking – who could help you make peace?
• Listen or ask again what the problem is. Try to pay attention to what your friend is saying so you can understand.
• Tell them how you feel.
• Have a laugh – see the funny side.
• Accept that you might both have been right – being able to disagree is an important part of a friendship. Could you put that to them in some way?

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Being happy with who you are

As our children grow, we see their individuality, their personality, their preferences. Day-to-day we can express our love for who they are and what they do. We can also help them to understand that who they are is okay. There is something about peer relationships and the experience of being in big groups, classes, clubs etc that some young people revel in while others find it difficult. We suggest a very simple way to chat about this with a conversation about introverts and extroverts. Thinking of this a bit of a sliding scale, and very much influenced by the social situation (we can be both) but young people can benefit from thinking about those social experiences where they feel excited and at the centre of it all, and where they really don’t want the attention and would prefer to meet and get to know people in quieter spaces.

You know when a person is an introvert, they probably prefer things to be calm, they might be quiet, they like their own company. They will have friends but probably don’t like being in big groups.

And when a person is an extrovert, they maybe have more energy, they get excited, they might be a bit loud. They like to be with other people and possibly like to be the centre of attention.

We can be a bit of both – does any of this sound like you?

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Sometimes your child doesn’t want to talk to you, or at least maybe not you at first.

Young people this age can be reminded that ChildLine is also for them. You can tell them about these pages: Friends | Childline

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Books

These books might be of interest. Maybe you could both read them and chat. Your library might have them, or you can ask them if they will order a book for you.

A graphic novel series. Charlie and Nick are at the same school, but they’ve never met … until one day when they’re made to sit together. They quickly become friends, and soon Charlie is falling hard for Nick, even though he doesn’t think he has a chance.

Teenagers in a small Oklahoma town have split into two gangs, divided by money, tastes and attitude. A story of teenage rebellion. The best-selling young adult novel.

A story about two struggling teenagers who find an unexpected connection just when they need it most.