Talking about how people talk about gender/gender identity/equality and rights for trans people
This is one set of topics that young people might already be talking about – perhaps in school or college, amongst their friends, or across social media. If you chat about related issues, it might be interesting to find out what kinds of things they hear on social media platforms they use. There is certainly lots of coverage of some of the issues and debates about the rights of trans people in the media. Your teenage child might want to have a chat to try to sort out what they understand, and what they don’t.
Talking about the words people use and what they mean
It might be helpful as you chat, to clarify what some of the words mean when people talk about sex and gender. These explanations might help.
People use the words sex and gender. Sometimes people use them as if they mean the same thing. This can be confusing.
Our sex is fixed before we are even born. A pregnant woman can find out the sex of her baby when she is pregnant and has a scan. The midwife will also look at the baby when it is born and say whether it is a boy or a girl. For some babies this is not clear and so some tests would be done to make a decision.
Gender is a different thing. We could say that gender is a mix of our biological sex, how we feel about our identity and how we choose to express ourselves. Gender is also about how we experience life. For example, if we are a woman we might get treated one way, if we are a man we might get treated a different way.
Talking about gender
There is lots more language that people use when talking about sex and gender. Your child might like a bit of a better understanding of these terms. You could use this when you chat.
Most people describe themselves as girls/women or boys/men because they are born female or male (so because of their sex).
Some people see themselves in a different way because of how they feel about or choose to express their gender. When we talk about gender, there are lots of different terms people might use.
For some people their sense of who they are is not fixed, they don’t want to be defined by being either a man or a woman. They might choose a different way to describe their gender, this might or might not match their sex, they might use the term gender fluid or non-binary. A person might describe themselves as gender non-conforming if they do not identify as trans or gender non-binary / gender fluid and they also do not identify with gender expectations associated with their sex.
If a person describes themselves as transgender (sometimes people just say trans) they feel that the sex they were born does not fit with how they feel inside. So, a transgender woman lives as a female/woman today but was born a boy. A transgender man lives as a male/man today but was born a girl.
A person might describe themselves as cisgender if they identify with or express themselves in line with gender expectations associated with their sex (so they would say their gender matches their sex).
Transphobia
In your chats you might acknowledge that for people who are transgender things can be difficult when other people are cruel, rude or discriminatory toward them. Developing your conversations, it might be helpful to name and discuss what transphobia is. This explanation might help.
Transphobia is a kind of prejudice and discrimination. It is when someone who is transgender is put down or hurt or discriminated against just because they are transgender.
If these issues affect your child
You may be the parent of a young person who does not wish to be identified as either a young man or a young woman. Or perhaps your child experiences a marked incongruence between their biological sex and their experience of gender – you may have already had chats about this with them. There are sources of support for you as a parent in our More Support for Parents section of the Chat. Sometimes it helps to have a person or place for you, so that you can talk about how you are doing when it comes to understanding and supporting your child.
Having said this, you should also know that wherever your child is at school or college, or if they are part of activities or clubs in the community, the duty remains to ensure a safe and healthy learning and social environment for them. If they are discriminated against, experience threats, prejudice-based bullying or exclusion, you should speak to a trusted professional and look to work together so that your child experiences school or other community spaces as inclusive and safe space for them, this is their right.
If your child uses derogatory language
If your child uses a negative language or expresses views that concern you, take a moment and explore what they have said and where they might have heard such a thing. While we have made progress across society, young people will still hear transphobic language and attitudes, in real life and perhaps especially across social media. While we would hope our teenage children understand the impact of words and ideas, some of this is commonplace. To get into a conversation about this, be gentle rather than scolding. You could start with: Let’s talk about that for a minute…
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