How to make relationships work

Talking about how to make relationships work

These later teenage years are a good time to talk about what young people should expect from relationships, and what a safe, healthy and happy adult relationship should be like.

When you think about having a girlfriend/boyfriend, what do you want them to be like?

It might not be the easiest thing to find the time for this kind of question, but if the opportunity arises…

When I see you in a relationship I want…

You might want to help your teenage child to understand what you hope for them. Of course, you will have your own ideas and about this, but the kinds of things you might want to think about could be characteristics like:

I want them to be kind and respectful to you; to be honest with you; to make you feel loved and cared for; to know that they are part of our family too.

Relationship rules and boundaries

If we want our children to understand that relationships should be experienced as healthy, happy and safe for both people, it can be helpful to chat about some of the rules or boundaries that a relationship should follow. This is not a suggestion to list such things necessarily, but just to flag things across the chats you have, that you can say are a ‘must have’. These might come up individually as you have those day-to-day chats about what they experience, the relationships their friends are in, or what you see on TV/across social media. This could be things like:

You can decide who you see/date or not; Whenever you are with someone you can say ‘no’ to anything you want to say no to; When you are seeing someone you can still see friends and family, no one else can control that; You should always have privacy, so for example your own online profiles and activity that no one else has the right to control; No one should ever frighten or harm you, ever; If you want to end a relationship, you can.

You might add: I am always here for you to chat.

It’s complicated

As you are chatting about relationships, you might explore the question: What do you think might get in the way of a relationship being good, what might make a relationship complicated? As you listen and share you can keep an ear open to anything your child says that shows their strength and resilience but also hear anything that concerns you. This might not be something you want to react to too strongly in the moment, but you can make sure you respond and pick up again in later chats.

You can encourage your child to bring friends, boyfriends and girlfriends home

If you can, make your home a place where friends and partners are welcome. Knowing who friends, boyfriends and girlfriends are can help foster conversation.

When it comes to relationships, who are your role models?

You could have chats about couples your child knows – what do they see and like about the way those couples are together? Or perhaps there are celebrity couples you know they follow or like – what is it about them that attracts them?

Ask your child what is worrying them when you see or feel that something isn’t right

They might reject your initial ask, don’t be put off. Tell them you are available. One thing that can help is to normalise the things they are worried about.

You know everyone is a wee bit worried about…. When I was your age….

Talk about you

Even though they might cringe a bit, talk about your own growing up, experiences of friendships and first relationships, and lessons learned.

When you are concerned about a relationship

Whether young people meet others in-person or online you are right to be concerned if any of these things are happening. By observing and chatting you can keep an eye out for when a friend, boyfriend of girlfriend:

Seems manipulative or bullying.
Is making your child feel bad about themselves or something they do.
Is pressurising your child into something.
Is introducing alcohol or drugs.
Is much older.
Or your child is not telling you anything about them.

You should tell them you are worried. You could have another sibling or family member check in with them too.

If you want to chat more about your child’s online relationships take a look at the Talking about: Social Media/Digital Lives.

Sometimes your child doesn’t want to talk to you, or at least maybe not you at first.

Young people this age can be reminded that ChildLine is also for them. You can tell them about these pages: Relationships | Childline