theChat.scot

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Talking about love and attraction

At this age we can help our teenage children to think about relationships being built on trust, commitment and respect – and research has shown that young people associate love with these positive concepts.

It is also the case that in the early teenage years young people can feel pressure to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, when what we might want them to have is just friends that are girls or boys.

Finally, while we want to protect our children from pressures to have a girlfriend/boyfriend we can also chat with them about feelings they have, the kinds of feelings that might be considered a ‘crush’. These feelings for someone special are a part of growing up.

These suggestions might help you have conversations about love and feelings for others.

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Pressures to have a girlfriend/boyfriend

Your child might comment about peers having girlfriends or boyfriends. You can give reassurances that you do not expect them to do this, that you are happy when they choose to have friends that are both boys and girls, as they wish. They might report some pressure they feel – from other young people especially. You can help by chatting through situations they bring, taking time to help them find solutions to any pressures they feel.

There is a dedicated part of this section for 13 – 15-year-olds called Talking about: Pressures/Delaying or waiting for sex

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Being attracted to someone

Having talked about the need to protect young people’s friendships from the pressure to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, young people can have feelings towards another young person who feels special to them. Other young people or adults might notice this, they might comment or ask your child if they have a crush. Questions or comments can be embarrassing. Having these feelings can make them feel happy, excited, nervous but also confused. To help your child chat about this, so that they understand their feelings and think of ways to be with that other person, these suggestions might help.

A crush is like when you have special feelings for someone, like a friend or a classmate, and really like being around them. When you are around them you might feel happy, excited or a little bit nervous.

You can be friendly and kind to the person you like, you can suggest doing things together.

Most times, when you like someone, like have a crush, this doesn’t turn into a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It is something you feel, you can be kind to each other, and after a while your feelings will go back to being friends.

You can decide to tell the person you like them, but if you feel you want to do that, then speak to me first and we can think about what’s best.

Sometimes, you can really like someone and want them to spend time with you, but they might not feel the same way. They might just want to be friends, not your special person. That is okay. You must always respect what the other person wants or does not want.

And of course, if someone has a crush on you, and you don’t feel the same way, then you can be honest and kind with them. But never feel any pressure to go out with someone you don’t want to. As always, come chat to me if you are at all worried about this.

Your child can have a crush on someone of the opposite or same sex. At this age, these crushes don’t define their sexual orientation. You can support them to understand their feelings and look after themselves emotionally.

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Talking about love

Talking about love can help teenagers understand healthy relationships and think about the feelings that come with being attracted to someone and then being with them in a relationship. If you want to you can share your first experiences of being in love. It can help to say that you understand that feelings, like being in love, can be intense and confusing.

As you chat you could let your child know what kinds of relationships you want them to have, perhaps things like these: I want them to be kind and respectful to you; to be honest with you; to make you feel loved and cared for; to know that they are part of our family too.

As you talk about love it is also important to help your child understand that being in love also means keeping sight of the rules or boundaries that should guide their romantic relationships. In another part of the Chat called Talking About: How to make relationships work we flag these things that could be part of ongoing chats you have.

So, in every relationship: You can decide who you see/date or not; Whenever you are with someone you can say ‘no’ to anything you want to say no to; When you are seeing someone you can still see friends and family, no one else can control that; You should always have privacy, so for example your own online profiles and activity that no one else has the right to control; No one should ever frighten or harm you, ever; If you want to end a relationship, you can.

You might add:

I am always here for you to chat.

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Online relationships

Teenagers can make less of a distinction between in-person and online relationships. At a time when they are more independent, and when we might know less about who they are connecting with online, it is important to make sure our chats think about online relationships too. Apart from keeping that in mind, you might also want to take a look at other sections of Talking About with 13- to 15-year-olds, including: Social Media/Digital Lives and Sending and Sharing Images.

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Why do people get married?

In the Questions children ask section of the Chat we answer the question in this way:

You can be married in Scotland from the age of 16. Couples get married because they love each other and want to be together.

Of course, a couple can be together and live together and not get married.

In Scotland people of all sexualities can be married – so heterosexual/straight couples, gay couples and lesbian couples.

For some people, maybe as part of their religion or beliefs, if a couple want to live together and have a family then they feel they should be married first.

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Books

These books might be of interest. Maybe you could both read them and chat. Your library might have them, or you can ask them if they will order a book for you.

Follow Georgia’s antics as she tries to overcome the dilemmas that are weighing up against her and muddle her way through teenage life and all that it entails.

Lara Jean keeps her love letters in a hatbox her mother gave her. One for every boy she’s ever loved. When she writes, she can pour out her heart and soul and say all the things she would never say in real life, because her letters are for her eyes only. Until the day her secret letters are mailed.

A story about two struggling teenagers who find an unexpected connection just when they need it most.

A collection of poems about the highs and lows of one week in a secondary school, where everything happens all at once;from hoping to make it to the end of the week, facing it, fitting in, finding friends and falling out, to loving lessons, losing it, and worrying, wearing it well and worshipping from afar. For children 12+

A graphic novel series. Charlie and Nick are at the same school, but they’ve never met … until one day when they’re made to sit together. They quickly become friends, and soon Charlie is falling hard for Nick, even though he doesn’t think he has a chance.