theChat.scot

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Talking about love, relationships and being attracted to someone

Children can be curious about the relationships they see around them. In other parts of the Chat, we have spoken about giving our children the building blocks for later relationships when they are teenagers and adults. At this age we can help our children to think about grown up relationships being built on trust, commitment and respect – and research has shown that young people associate love with these positive concepts.

It is also the case that by upper primary school some children can start to feel pressure to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, when what we want them to have is just friends that are girls or boys. And all this comes at the start of puberty for some children.

Finally, while we want to protect our children from pressures to have a girlfriend/boyfriend we can also chat with them about feelings they have, the kinds of feelings that might be considered a ‘crush’. These feelings for someone special are a part of growing up – for some children this won’t be happening at 11 or 12, but for others it might.

These suggestions might help you have conversations about love, relationships and feelings for others.

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Talking about love

A short film with children answering the question: What is love? (3 minutes 28) https://youtu.be/T_ObrBLVqWg You could watch and chat about it together. (When you watch something on Youtube you can set it up in advance and skip adverts).

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Why do people get married?

In the Questions children ask section of the Chat we answer the question in this way:

Grown-ups get married because they love each other and want to be together.

Of course, a couple can be together and live together and not get married.

For some people, maybe as part of their religion or beliefs, if a couple want to live together and have a family then they should be married first.

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Pressures to have a girlfriend/boyfriend

Your child might comment about peers having girlfriends or boyfriends. You can give reassurances to your child that you do not expect them to do this, that you are happy when they choose to have friends that are both boys and girls, as they wish. They might report some pressure they feel – from other children or from family members. You can talk about things directly, but these little scenarios that you can chat about together might help general conversations, the idea being that you as you talk about pressure they feel, you can use other examples to work out best strategies:

• Isabella and Beth are friends. Some children are teasing them saying they must be girlfriends. This is annoying. They do really like each other but it’s nobody else’s business. What can Isabella and Beth say or do?
• Lauren and Sergei usually walk home together after school. Lauren asks Sergei if she can hold his hand when they were walking home. Sergei just wants to be Lauren’s friend; he doesn’t want to hold her hand. What can Sergei say or do?
• Every time Daniel’s gran visits, she always asks in front of everyone: Haven’t you got a girlfriend yet? He gets really embarrassed. What can Daniel say or do?

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Being attracted to someone

Having talked about the need to protect our children’s friendships from the pressure to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, as children get to the end of primary school and transition to secondary school, they can have feelings towards another child who feels special to them. Other children or adults might notice this, they might comment or ask your child if they have a crush. Questions or comments can be embarrassing. Having these feelings can make them feel happy, excited, nervous but also confused. To help your child chat about this, so that they understand their feelings and think of ways to be with that other person, these suggestions might help.

A crush is like when you have special feelings for someone, like a friend or a classmate, and really like being around them. When you are around them you might feel happy, excited or a little bit nervous.

You can be friendly and kind to the person you like, you can suggest doing things together.

Most times, when you like someone, like have a crush, this doesn’t turn into a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It is something you feel, you can be kind to each other, and after a while your feelings will go back to being friends.

You can decide to tell the person you like them, but if you feel you want to do that, then speak to me first and we can think about what’s best.

Sometimes, you can really like someone and want them to spend time with you, but they might not feel the same way. They might just want to be friends, not your special person. That is okay. You must always respect what the other person wants or does not want.

Your child can have a crush on someone of the opposite or same sex. At this age, these crushes don’t define their sexual orientation. You can support them to understand their feelings, and look after themselves emotionally.

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Books

You might like to read these books together. Your school or library might have them, or you can ask the library if they will order a book for you.

Turning twelve means big changes for Katie – first bra, first time babysitting, and a first crush that she knows not everyone will approve of; a coming-of-age graphic novel.

A collection of poems about the highs and lows of one week in a secondary school, where everything happens all at once;from hoping to make it to the end of the week, facing it, fitting in, finding friends and falling out, to loving lessons, losing it, and worrying, wearing it well and worshipping from afar. For children 12+

A graphic novel series. Charlie and Nick are at the same school, but they’ve never met … until one day when they’re made to sit together. They quickly become friends, and soon Charlie is falling hard for Nick, even though he doesn’t think he has a chance.