Talking about pleasure
At this age we might have clear expectations for our teenage children about not having sex before the age of 16. We might want our teenager to delay sex until they are in a safe and happy relationship. For some families the expectation is that sex is something that happens in a marriage. With all this in mind, we can talk about pleasure as part of chats that help build knowledge and understanding that sex should be pleasurable. It’s one of those foundations for the way our children can think about the kind of adult relationships they have a right to.
Talking about pleasure
You can talk about pleasure in these ways before you feel the time is right to talk about pleasure and sex.
Pleasure is a feeling of happiness, satisfaction or enjoyment. It’s when you feel really good about something, it’s a feeling in your mind and in your body. I get pleasure from …. So, what brings you pleasure?
Consent and pleasure go hand in hand
Whenever we talk about romantic and intimate relationships with our teenage children, we are likely to talk about consent – its fundamental. To talk about pleasure also means talking about consent because only when a person consents to anything sexual can there be a mutual feeling of pleasure.
Both consent and pleasure are also about confidence – knowing you can say yes or no and having the knowledge and confidence to say what you like and don’t like. We can help our children practice giving and asking for consent, and saying what they like and don’t like, long before we want or expect them to be having sex.
But why talk about pleasure before we want our child to be having sex?
The suggestion here is that understanding that sex should be pleasurable is something that can protect your teenage child. Talking about pleasure isn’t about encouraging them to have sex, but is done to remind them that pleasurable sex requires certain things to be in place – it will be when they are ready, when the time is right, when the other person is the right person, when they aren’t rushed or pressurised, when they don’t have any lingering doubts, and when they have thought about and planned if they need contraception or condoms.
You might want to take a look and have a chat using this part of the Chat – Talking about: Pressures/Delaying or waiting for sex.
Talking about sexual pleasure
You might be able to use these ideas to have a chat about sexual pleasure.
When the time is right for you, you might decide that someone you are having a relationship with is the person you want to have sex with. You know this is something you should do when you are both ready, and when you both want to.
When people talk about sexual pleasure this means getting satisfaction and enjoyment from sexual experiences. These can be when you masturbate, or when you are with a sexual partner.
If you have sex and you are happy and relaxed and excited to be with the other person that will be pleasurable. When people have sex, they work out together what they like to do.
What is pleasure?
This is a short animation from amaze.org made for young people.
An important consideration: sex should not be painful
There can be reasons why penetrative sex may be painful, but it should not be thought of as something that is normal. Even as your child thinks about first sexual experiences, while there might be discomfort or mild pain then stopping and taking time before continuing should make this okay – so even from the first time strong pain or persistent pain is not okay. When you chat you can make sure your teenage child knows that as they think ahead and consider the intimate and loving relationships that they want to have that if there is pain with sex, then it is important that they speak to you, their GP or someone at a sexual health service.
There is another topic you might want to read about in this section of the Chat: Talking About: Masturbation and Wet Dreams.
The sex book
Jane Pavanel
ISBN 1840464720
Written in an A-to-Z format, it offers fast answers to crucial questions, dispelling myths, while addressing the complexities of sex.