Pleasure

Talking about pleasure

As parents we want our teenage children to delay sexual activity until they are old enough to make good decisions and keep themselves safe and healthy. As a family you might have beliefs or rules that encourages your teenage child to think about sexual activity in the context of loving relationships, or of marriage. With this in mind, we can acknowledge that a majority of young people will have had sex before their 18^th birthday and so we can talk about pleasure as part of chats that help build knowledge and understanding that sex should be pleasurable. It’s one of those foundations for the way young people can think about the kind of adult relationships they have a right to.

Talking about pleasure

You can talk about pleasure in a general way.

Pleasure is a feeling of happiness, satisfaction or enjoyment. It’s when you feel really good about something, it’s a feeling in your mind and in your body. I get pleasure from …. So, what brings you pleasure?

Consent and pleasure go hand in hand

Whenever we talk about romantic and intimate relationships with our teenage children, we are likely to talk about consent – its fundamental. To talk about pleasure also means talking about consent because only when a person consents to anything sexual can there be a mutual feeling of pleasure.

Both consent and pleasure are also about confidence – knowing you can say yes or no and having the knowledge and confidence to say what you like and don’t like. We can help our children practice giving and asking for consent, and saying what they like and don’t like, long before we want or expect them to be having sex.

But why talk about pleasure if we don’t want our teenage child to be having sex?

The suggestion here is that understanding that sex should be pleasurable is something that can protect your teenage child. Talking about pleasure isn’t about encouraging them to have sex, but is done to remind them that pleasurable sex requires certain things to be in place – it will be when they are ready, when the time is right, when the other person is the right person, when they aren’t rushed or pressurised, when they don’t have any lingering doubts, and when they have thought about and planned if they need contraception or condoms.

You might want to take a look and have a chat using this part of the Chat – Talking about: Pressures/Delaying or waiting for sex.

Talking about sexual pleasure

You might be able to use these ideas to have a chat about sexual pleasure.

When the time is right for you, you might decide that someone you are having a relationship with is the person you want to have sex with. You know this is something you should do when you are both ready, and when you both want to.

When people talk about sexual pleasure this means getting satisfaction and enjoyment from sexual experiences. These can be when you masturbate, or when you are with a sexual partner.

If you have sex and you are happy and relaxed and excited to be with the other person that will be pleasurable. When people have sex, they work out together what they like to do.

If you have sex and it is not pleasurable it’s your body’s way of telling you that you are not comfortable with what is happening and that you might need to think more about what you want or don’t want, who you are with and your communication with them.

This is a short animation from amaze.org made for young people: Puberty: What is Pleasure? – amaze

An important consideration: sex should not be painful

There can be reasons why penetrative sex may be painful, but it should not be thought of as something that is normal. Even as your child thinks about first sexual experiences, while there might be discomfort or mild pain then stopping and taking time before continuing should make this okay – so even from the first-time strong pain or persistent pain is not okay. When you chat, you can make sure your teenage child knows that as they think ahead and consider the intimate and loving relationships they want to have, that if there is pain with sex, then it is important that they speak to you, their GP or someone at a sexual health service.

There’s more we can understand and share about our bodies and pleasure.

The clitoris and pleasure. Did you know?

The clitoris is an erectile hooded organ. It contains a high level of nerve endings and is sensitive to stimulation.

It is responsible for stimulating female orgasm.

It is the only organ in the human body that exists exclusively for pleasure.

The clitoris has erectile tissue that swells when aroused. The clitoris’ blood supply enables it to engorge continuously — allowing women to experience multiple orgasms.

When a female has an orgasm, this typically lasts longer than the male, at an average of around 13- 51 seconds.

The penis and pleasure: Did you know?

When a man is stimulated physically or psychologically, he gets an erection. Blood flows into the corpora – the spongy tissue running the length of the penis – causing the penis to grow in size and become rigid.

The testicles are drawn up toward the body as the scrotum tightens.

Many men consider the underside of the glans (head) of the penis and the underside of the shaft to be most sensitive to sexual pleasure.

The average male orgasm lasts for 10-30 seconds.

There is another topic you might want to read about in this section of the Chat: Talking about: Self-examination and common sexual problems.