Pornography/what it is/the harm it does

Talking about pornography/what it is/the harm it does

This may be one of those topics that we’d rather not have to chat about with our teenage child, but we know that young people look at pornography, whether that is because they look for it or because they see it by accident. They might also see it because others share content with them. We also need to talk with them because another person might try to pressurise them to look at, take or share images. The kinds of pornography that a young person might see can also be upsetting or confusing. The suggestions here are to help you, when the time feels right, to have chats about pornography.

Talking about what pornography is

It might help to be clear about what you are talking about.

Pornography is sometimes called ‘porn’. Pornography is a photograph, image, film or words that are about something sexual. Porn can show people’s sexual body parts or show people having sex. Some porn can be upsetting because it shows a person being hurt or abused.

Talking about accessing pornography

As we say, viewing porn can be because your teenage child is curious or because someone else is sharing with them. You can say that you understand all of that. When it comes to looking at things online it is also worth understanding how age verification works – these are new rules that try to protect young people from going online to look at pornography.

It is really easy to access porn, sometimes by looking, sometimes by accident. You don’t have to watch it.

If anyone is trying to pressure you to watch it, or you see something upsetting, come and talk to me. I will listen and we can work out how you can manage the situation.

I know that some young people will take a look to see what porn is. If you do that you need to be very careful. You can accidently see pornography that is not legal. You might get links or adverts to other porn sites sent to you. You can get content appearing because the algorithm will try to show you content to keep you engaged.

If someone shows you pornography, because you are under 18, they are breaking the law.

There is a thing now called age verification. This means that if you go to a porn site it should check what age you are, that you are over 18. It will ask for something like a facial scan, photo ID check or a credit card. If you do ever look at a site and it’s not asking for that kind of ID, get off it immediately, it’s not legal.

With regard to the fact that a site might ask for a credit card as proof of age, if you regularly allow your child to use your credit card, say for gaming or buying things online, you need to chat about using it appropriately.

Being safe online

If you search for something on the web you can’t predict where it will take you. And if a site you visit uses cookies it is possible that you then start getting pop ups or ads for the thing you looked for. So, if you have a question or a worry about anything to do with sex, come speak to me, or (you can say who you would be happy for your child to go to, if not you).

There other Chat topics might be helpful: Talking about: Sending and sharing images and Talking about: Social media/Digital Lives.

Talking about the harm pornography does

You will have your own view on pornography and whether it does harm – to those involved or to those watching it. If you see pornography as harmful, particularly for under 18s, then this might help when you chat. These might be the kinds of views on the harms of pornography to be shared over many chats.

You could say that porn encourages the person watching to just see the other person as a sexual object, and not as an equal human being, so this is bad for our relationships. A lot of porn does show people being hurt or abused, this is not okay and it’s not normal or fun.

Most porn is watched by men and boys, but girls and women do watch it too. Nobody should be made to watch porn if they don’t want to.

New scientific research says people who watch too much porn can become addicted. Then they need to watch more and more to feel sexually excited. You can also lose touch with what real sex and relationships are actually like.

Porn can make boys or men think badly of women. If you watch too much porn, then you might have less enjoyment from real sex with a partner.

Real sex vs porn sex

You can hear people say something like ‘The sex you see in pornography isn’t real sex’. This can be a bit confusing for young people because what they are looking at looks to them like it is real enough. What this actually means of course is that we shouldn’t expect the sex that can be seen in lots of pornography to be like actual experiences of sex and intimacy with a partner. So, if it feels helpful, here are some of the things about porn that over time young people need to understand makes it different from sex in ‘real’ relationships.

In pornography…

Men have extra-large penises. Women have extra-large breasts and small vulvas. No-one has body hair.
Sex often involves lots of different people.
Men’s erections last for a long time without ejaculating.
Everyone is always up for sex. Sex is loud, people scream as soon as they start having sex. Sex is rough and can be violent, without feelings or emotions. People are sometimes abused and hurt.
Consent is never discussed, men just assume, or don’t care.
People don’t use condoms and there are no consequences.

If you or your child want to read a bit more about pornography there is more here from ChildLine Online porn | Childline