Pressures/Delaying or waiting for sex

Talking about pressures/delaying or waiting for sex

As parents we want our teenage children to delay sexual activity until they are old enough to make good decisions and keep themselves safe and healthy. As a family you might have beliefs or rules that encourages your teenage child to think about sexual activity in the context of loving relationships, or of marriage. Whatever our views, we can chat about the pressures young people can feel to become sexually active, and we can help them think about delaying or waiting for sex until they and their partner are ready.

I’m 16: does that mean I need to have sex?

The law gives the age of consent as 16. A minority of young people (1 in 5) have sex before their 16^th birthday, but most do not and so it is between the ages of 16 and 18 that many of our teenage children will be making choices about sexual relationships. So, as we chat, we can reinforce the message that no, just being 16 does not mean there should be any expectation that you should have sex.

All our chats can talk about the importance of consent

When we talk about consent, we can introduce the idea of pressure – and that putting pressure on someone is the opposite of what should happen between people. While our first concern is likely to be for our own child being put under pressure, we can also chat about the importance of never putting pressure on someone else, and this can also mean accepting and understanding when they say ‘no’.

Consent means… Asking someone if you can do something or if they want something. If they say yes, they give consent. If they say no, they do not give consent. If they don’t say anything, or they aren’t sure or aren’t clear, they do not give consent. If they give consent once, you still must ask the next time. Putting pressure on someone to do something sexual is the opposite of them giving their free and enthusiastic consent.

Talking about pressure

You could chat about these questions:

Why would someone put pressure on someone?

What kinds of things feel like pressure?

When it comes to thinking about sex, the kinds of things you might chat about that feel like pressure could be:

It might start with them being friendly, in-person or online in messages and chat.

They might ask you to keep it secret that you are in touch.

They might give you money or presents.

They check when you are on your own (so no-one else finds out about them)

They might ask you to send photos of yourself. Then they send sexual messages, they might try to be funny or nice at first, then they will get more sexual.

Eventually they might try to threaten you or frighten you and force you to do more things.

They might say – you did it before, what’s the problem now?

You can always remind your child of something we talk about in lots of places here on the Chat:

If you ever get that feeling in your body that tells you something isn’t right, maybe you feel a bit worried, then tell me.

I’ve said yes before – do I have to say yes again?

There can be a lot of focus on that first time a young person has sex. As we chat, thinking about the important messages about consent, we can remind our teenage children that just because you say yes – one or more times before – you can say no next time, that it’s always okay to change your mind and recognise and resist any pressure.

So, what kinds of things can we encourage our teenage children to consider when they think about having sex?

By talking about the kinds of experiences a young person should have when it comes to sex – whether it’s the first time ever, or the first time with a new partner – we can help teenagers to recognise the importance of the choice and help them to think about all the things they need to be sure of. We can help them consider the importance of waiting or delaying sex until they feel really sure of all of these things. As you chat you can ask: What kinds of things does a young person need to think about before they have sex? Here are some ideas. They might mention some of these themselves. You might want to bring an idea up. Each is phrased as if it’s a list of ‘must haves’ that a young person might keep in mind.

I feel ready.

I feel safe.

I have someone I can speak to about this before I do anything.

We are both 16 years old, or older.

If we need contraception, it’s sorted.

If we need condoms, it’s sorted.

We are both sober.

We have the time, and we are in a safe comfortable place.

I trust them.

I want to. We both want to. I know I can change my mind, say ‘no’ or stop at any time. I know they can too.

These are other parts of the Chat to support lots of good conversations: Talking about Consent and the Law.