Talking about what sexual activity/having sex is
As parents we want our teenage children to delay sexual activity until they are old enough to make good decisions and keep themselves safe and healthy. As a family you might have beliefs or rules that encourages your teenage child to think about sexual activity in the context of loving relationships, or of marriage. Whatever our views, by helping young people understand what sex/sexual activity is, we are supporting them to make good decisions.
Talking about what sex is
The suggestions that follow will help your teenage child understand what the law says about sex and help them think about consent. These important pieces of information will help keep them safe. However, we all have our own feelings and beliefs about the meaning of sex, and so what is not here are the things you might also want to say – perhaps that sex is something that should happen in a loving relationship, or something that should be pleasurable and safe, or something that should come when there is a clear commitment or marriage. Some of this detail might feel quite challenging to say, but if we want our children to understand what the law says, it does require some straightforward conversation.
The law uses different words when talking about sex. What the law says applies to all young people – whatever their sex or sexuality. It says sex is penetrative oral, vaginal and anal intercourse. This means when a someone puts their penis or something like a sex toy in another person’s mouth, vagina or anus (bottom).
Then the law talks about sexual activity, and this means penetrative sex as I’ve mentioned and also kissing or sexual touching, this could include when people masturbate together.
If someone asks another person to do anything sexual online, then this is also considered as sexual activity.
Talking about consent will be an ongoing topic of conversation – and if your 16-, 17- or 18-year-old is having a relationship with someone younger they need to understand the importance of the age of consent.
When we think about sex and sexual activity, we really need to understand what the law says about the age of consent and about consent. So:
If one of the people is 13, 14 or 15 and the other person is 16 or older, the older person is breaking the law because the age of consent for sex and sexual activity is 16. Both people must be 16 or older.
If both people are 13, 14 or 15 they are both breaking the law.
Someone under 13 cannot consent to sex or sexual activity. If a person is under 13 then any sex or sexual activity is against the law, the person who is over 13 would be breaking the law, it would be rape. If both were under 13 both would be breaking the law.
And remember that any time a person does anything sexual both people must give their consent, this means give their agreement. And you need to be sure that the person does agree, if they hesitate or are unsure or can’t say because they are asleep or have been drinking or taking drugs, then it’s not consent.
Questions about sexual acts
Young people can have questions about sexual acts, things they may have heard about, or perhaps they have seen, or someone has shown them when sharing pornography. Some questions will need you to take a moment and consider your answer. Some questions might make you want to talk more: Let’s talk about that for a minute… Can you tell me what you know about that already? Look at the part of the Chat called Questions children and young people ask for more.
Talking about pleasure
If we can talk about pleasure as part of chats this helps young people build knowledge and understanding that sex should be pleasurable. It’s one of those foundations for the way our children can think about the kind of adult relationships they have a right to. Take a look at Talking about: Pleasure.
An important consideration: sex should not be painful
There can be reasons why penetrative sex may be painful, but it should not be thought of as something that is normal. Even as your child thinks about first sexual experiences, while there might be discomfort or mild pain then stopping and taking time before continuing should make this okay – so even from the first-time strong pain or persistent pain is not okay. When you chat you can make sure your teenage child knows that as they think ahead and consider the intimate and loving relationships that they want to have that if there is pain with sex, then it is important that they speak to you, their GP or someone at a sexual health service.
You can find more about other topics that will be part of your conversations here in the Chat: Talking About Pressures/Delaying or waiting for sex; Talking About Consent; Talking about contraception.
The sex book
Jane Pavanel
ISBN 1840464720
Written in an A-to-Z format, it offers fast answers to crucial questions, dispelling myths, while addressing the complexities of sex.
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