This might be a question that many parents will find quite difficult to answer, it is okay to be somewhat surprised or shocked by such a question. However as with other questions, we can do our best to answer.
This question arises because of the increased attention that has been given to strangulation as part of sexual activity. This is more commonly referred to as “choking” in a sexual context, and this is more likely to be what young people call it; however this is not an accurate description of what takes place and while it might help to use the words young people will hear and use, it is more accurate to think of this as strangulation.
Strangulation in these circumstances means the act of applying pressure to the neck of someone (or yourself) for sexual pleasure. Young people might hear this is something called ‘breath play’, any sex act that makes it hard for the person to breathe. There is no specific law in Scotland on what is referred to as ‘non-fatal strangulation’ but this is being considered. In the meantime, a person can be charged with assault.
If you have heard of this practice, you may have a view that it is wrong to consider this a sexual act, perhaps you view it as an act of sexual violence. However you view this, it is undoubtedly very dangerous.
If a child or young person asks this question, there are suggestions here for your response. This would be an example of a question where you would want to find out more about why such a question is being asked. This might be a personal experience or worry, or a worry for a friend. And of course, it can just be a straightforward request for good information. Interest in their question can be explored gently, so as not to make the child worried or feel they have done or said something wrong. You could start with comments like: Let’s talk about that for a minute… Can you tell me what you know about that already? Okay, could you tell me where you heard that?
3, 4 and 5-year-olds
A child this age is unlikely to ask this question.
6, 7 and 8-year-olds
9 and 10-year-olds
11 and 12 year-olds
A child this age is unlikely to ask this question, but they might hear conversations and be curious about the word. As indicated above, this would always be a question to explore in more detail. Let’s talk about that for a minute… Can you tell me what you know about that already? Okay, could you tell me where you heard that? The second part of the response here is concerned with whether your child has asked the question and connected it in some way to something they have heard or seen about choking and sex.
Choking is when someone finds it hard to breath. Or if a person puts their hands on someone’s throat and makes it hard for them to breathe. This is very, very dangerous and it should never be done to a person.
Choking is not something a person should ever do, but certainly not to someone they care about. If anyone shows you something about choking, or talks to you about choking, or maybe you see something online by accident, you can come speak to me. I will always listen, and we can chat.
13, 14 and 15 year-olds
16, 17 and 18 year-olds
The response below is intended to support your response to the question being asked by a teenager. However, you can still ask the questions posed earlier. Let’s talk about that for a minute… Can you tell me what you know about that already? Okay, could you tell me where you heard that?
When it comes to a person asking someone if they can choke them or choking someone when they are having sex, that can include putting something around a person’s neck or blocking their breathing through their nose or mouth. You can see this kind of thing in porn. In something like porn, choking is being shown like it is pleasurable, in fact it is dangerous and violent.
If you hear words like breath play or sexual asphyxiation or erotic asphyxiation, that means choking. The effects of choking are things like dizziness, confusion and a loss of consciousness. It can also cause brain damage, strokes and people can die. A person who chokes someone during sex can be charged with assault. I just want you to understand that there is no safe way to choke/strangle someone.
People can do this to themselves when they masturbate, it’s dangerous as people can lose consciousness and not be able to stop the choking.
For me, sex is something that people do to express feelings and love. I would say choking is very dangerous. We can talk about this, but any sex act that makes it hard to breathe is never something you should do or be pressured into doing.