A note first on the use of the word vulva. This may be new to some parents; you might be using the word vagina. Here’s the reason why the Chat resource suggests we use the word vulva. The vulva is the external part of the female genitals that the child can see if she looks between her legs. The vagina is internal, the inner muscular canal that connects the vulva to the cervix and to the womb (uterus). It is helpful to talk about the vulva because that is what a child and young person can see.
As you respond to your child’s question you can make this about the child – so you can use ‘you’ when you are answering the question from a girl. You can change this and make it about ‘girls’ if you are talking to a boy.
To get used to using the word vulva you can use it from when your daughter is a baby. She won’t understand the word then, but you can use it as you chat. So, for example, when you are talking to her as you change her nappy you can be talking about what you are doing, and where you are cleaning her. Then as she gets older and understands more, and is learning words herself, you can use the word vulva. For example, when she is in the bath or shower, or when she goes to the toilet, or when you say something like: “Here is some toilet paper and you can wipe your vulva.”
Now, thinking about the questions, here are some ways to respond. For 3- to 5-year-olds, there is a simple explanation of what the child will see regarding the vulva – it is where girls urinate from (use the words you would use, you might say pee or wee). By age 6, children will notice differences between girls and boys. This might happen earlier than that, you can use this suggested answer for younger children if it helps. Also from around age 6, or younger if you want to, girls can learn that mums have a vulva just like them. Whatever your family composition you can adapt the answer in ways that let the child know that they are the same as other girls/women in their family.
3, 4 and 5-year-olds
We offer this suggestion for the very young child with questions.
You have a vulva. Girls have a vulva. When you go to the toilet to urinate (pee/wee) it comes out of your vulva.
6, 7 and 8-year-olds
Children will notice differences between girls and boys. You can talk about the vulva and penis if you want to. Remember that you can personalise your response by adding ‘just like me’ or ‘just like your big sister’ etc.
You have a vulva. Girls have a vulva. You can see your vulva when you look between your legs. Mum has a vulva (just like you). Your vulva is a private part of your body. Boys have a penis. Dad has a penis. When a girl goes to the toilet to urinate (pee/wee) it comes out of her vulva.
9 and 10-year-olds
Remember that you can personalise your response by adding ‘just like me’ or ‘just like your big sister’ etc. At this age we can also introduce the idea that every vulva is different, this is early learning that will help if a girl has worries later that her vulva might not look like that of other girls.
You have a vulva. Girls have a vulva. Mum has a vulva (just like you). Boys have a penis. Dad has a penis. The vulva is the part of a girl’s private parts that you can see when you look between your legs. You might also have heard the word vagina. The vagina is the inner part of your private parts. Every vulva is different, just like if you were to compare every other part of your body with another girl. When a girl goes to the toilet to urinate (pee/wee), it comes down a tube called the urethra which ends just inside the vulva, so that’s where the urine comes out.
11 and 12 year-olds
13, 14 and 15 year-olds
16, 17 and 18 year-olds
We offer this suggestion, with more detail, for the pre-teen and teenage child.
Girls and women have a vulva. Boys and men have a penis.
The vulva is the part of a girl’s genitals/private parts that you can see when you look between your legs. Every vulva is different, just like if you were to compare every other part of your body. You will also grow hair around your genitals/private parts, this is normal. This is called pubic hair.
When a girl goes to the toilet to urinate, it comes down a tube called the urethra which ends just inside the vulva, so that’s where the urine comes out.
You might also have heard the word vagina. The vagina is the inner part, it is a muscular canal that connects the vulva to the cervix and to the womb (also called the uterus). When a baby is born it travels from the womb (uterus) down through the vagina and comes out at the vulva.
You might have what is called vaginal discharge, this is fluid that helps keep the vagina clean and helps prevent and fight infections. You might see it on underwear or on toilet paper when you wipe.
In addition, as girls grow older, you can also consider acknowledging that there can be feelings/sensations when a girl touches her vulva. You can mention this to emphasis privacy, but also to make sure that there is no sense of shame in these experiences.
A girl can touch her private parts because they like the way it feels, that’s okay. This is something a person should only do on their own, at home in a private place which is their bedroom.
As a parent you can check out these information pages provided by Brook, and decide if there is any content you would want to share with your child: https://www.brook.org.uk/topics/vaginas-and-vulvas/
There is more helpful information on vaginal discharge here: https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/vdischarge2.html
If Female Genital Mutilation is a topic you want to talk about in your family, you can look at the question: What is FGM?
If you want to talk more about the bodies of both girls and boys there is more (organised by age) in the Talking About section.